Numbers Of Us

Sixty-eight days of normality.
Before everything will change.
Because I'm afraid that the day you graduate will be the day you leave.

Leave me behind in this life I'll continue to live.
This monotonous place, the "best years of my life".
Two of these years have had you in them,
And the next two will be so quiet, so lonely.

You caught my eye years ago, when you were the age I am now
Sixteen glorious years under your belt while I, awkward, skinny, and a mere thirteen years old, peered around the curtain and grew bright red at the sight of your sparkling smile.

That same smile greeted me my first day in "the big pond". First period, Spanish 2.
At just fourteen I was still awkward and shy to your smile. Upon being sat next to you by the grace of alphabetical order I managed to stammer out a greeting.

"I don't know if you remember..." I blush and look away.
"That I met you last year when we came to the middle school to help with one act?"
A grin splays across your lips.
"I don't forget a pretty face."
You gave me another of your heart stopping smiles and confirmed the one thing I was sure about with you: your name is Cody.

From eight to eight fifty every morning I was continually captivated by everything you were. As time passed that stretch of time grew to include the thirty minutes before eight, and after the twelfth month of that year you claimed the time between eleven thirty-five and twelve oh five too.

That year we got out for Christmas break on the seventeenth of December.
I accepted by that point we were friends. I helped with Spanish, you dazzled me every morning.
But you said you'd miss me. You hoped to see me over break.

On December twenty-first we went to the movies.
The two of us, two of my friends, a little awkward hand holding and a smile that never left my face.
I'll never forget the trouble you went through for those first four hours with me.

Car troubles, and all your friends were out of town. So you called the friend that was staying with me.
Got her mom involved.
And just before six you were coming through the door to shake my father's hand and sweep me out the door for a night that was 'fearless'.

The next few weeks were great. Every morning from seven-thirty to eight you and your friends charmed me with crazy pick up lines. I grew to know you better each day.

Favorite color? Red.
Middle name? Austin.
Birthday? March fifth.
Dream job? An actor.
Of course, an actor.

We went to the winter semiformal together.
Slow danced. You held me close, kissed me gently.
On January eleventh you asked me to be your girlfriend.
I didn't hesitate.
I said yes.

My every morning was started with a dazzling smile.
I exhausted your ears at lunch with the trials of my daily routine of classes.
On weekends we were on my couch watching movies,
Kissing goodbye in my driveway.

We went on like this for weeks;
She who believed she had found her knight-in-shining-armor was swept off her feet by an actor three years her senior, the closest thing this small town had to offer.
We planned for prom, looked for the future.
And I was happy.
I was head over heels.

Somewhere on this journey, a time along the way, something broke.
I had become a foolish fifteen year old, headstrong, and more concerned with what everyone told me than what I felt.
And I destroyed it all. Changed myself so you no longer knew me.
I didn't know you.
I didn't let myself.

Prom came. We were two strangers dressed up for a night of make believe.
You offered me a smile, but it didn't light up my day.
We posed for pictures. You called me beautiful.
We left my house. An awkward drive. An awkward dinner.

Back around people and my mask goes on, as though we're attending a masquerade.
But inside the dark clutches of our cafeteria transformed into "Neon New York" I cannot hide anymore.

The night is broken memories. Of fighting, confusion, wanting to leave.
We argue.
A slow song comes on. You pull me in.
One last dance.
One last chance.

"And it’s you and me and all of the people, with nothing to lose, and nothing to prove. And it’s you and me and all of the people. And I don't know why, I can't take my eyes off you."

Hold on tight as though letting go will stop the world from turning.

And then I feel it.
Deep inside.
What I had been denying.
The feelings I have had the whole time.
But no.
No.

We leave
Sit in my driveway
Argue more
Last kiss
You ask
You beg
But no
I just can't
Just can't

I'm sorry.
Say I'm sorry.
I get up. Say goodbye.
Turn.
I held a power.
Strong enough to make you cry.
My knight-in-shining-armor dismounted by the one he came to save.

As I walk away I want to scream I'm sorry.
I take it back.
Your tears. My tears.
All of it.
I don't want to live with this knowledge my heart holds...
Because I care.

I have always cared.

I throw myself onto the lips of another.
And let the arms of one more take me up, hold me for the summer.
Lose my self-respect.
Spiral down. Down. Down.

The first time I see you after that summer I'm shocked again by your brilliant smile.
Its one that I return, for conversations have made us loose knit friends.
I'm nursing a recently broken heart; your girlfriend is by your side.
Funny how four months changes everything.

School starts again.
Fifteen and eighteen still, but totally changed by the hot summer days.
We have a class together. I'm taking theatre, entering the realm of your forte.

Weeks pass. We talk some days.
Then it’s time for our fall play.
"High school for Dummies"
Casting is out.
In one scene I play Julie.
She has a boyfriend.
And it’s you.

The first time we rehearse our scene it’s awkward.
We sit apart, barely hold hands, and speak our lines away from the other.
But we get more comfortable with each run through.
Three weeks in you tell me and your best friend that your girlfriend broke up with you.
We comfort you; that's what friends are for.
But inside I celebrate.

Halloween weekend is upon us, the weekend of our production.
Saturday we perform, then I return home.
Sunday's performance is also great.
We begin to clean and you invite a few to your house.
Two of your best friends. And me.

After the movie you insist to be the one to take me home.
Friends ask what's up with the two of us.
Nothing, I tell them. We're friends.
But all I can think of is you smiling at me on stage the way you smiled at me last year.

I start coming to lunch.
You text me more.
We hang out at football games, and I find myself inviting you to ride with us to the playoff game.
You smile, ever so bright, and eagerly agree.

Its eleven/eleven/eleven, game day.
You show up at my house and my mom greets you.
Says she hasn't seen you in forever.
She says it’s good to see you.

And on the ride home you hold me
At eleven:eleven I'm holding your hand as I make a wish, 'the ultimate wish' everyone has been counting down to for forever.
I wouldn't reveal my wish.
I still won't.
I don't want it to stop coming true.

That night we stand under the stars in the cold next to you car.
"Just like old times" you say.
Just like old times.
I feel myself falling, getting lost in this moment.
I have no intent of holding on.
A kiss.
A seal of fate, two lives reintertwined.
Just like that.
Getting lost in a second chance.

We see one month pass.
Then two.
Three.
Four.

On December tenth we have a Christmas party with your friends who have also become my best friends.
I made you a blanket.
You give me a stuffed tiger.
I named her Lillian.
I still sleep with her every night.

We spend nights talking, watching movies, just being together
Before we stand once more in my driveway stealing a few more kisses
Minutes before my curfew.
As the seconds tick away we press closer.
Eleven-thirty always comes too soon.

As the months go by the days bring us closer.
I go crazy with you.
Grow. Become an actress. Believe.
We dance to no music.
You are holding me, spinning me, to the delight of onlookers.

We have small arguments.
Little disagreements, hurt feelings.
But you don't let me linger.
You comfort me, soothe my fears, my anger.
Because to you I'm special.

March seventh.
One hundred seventeen days after we started over.
Everything is changed
By three little words.

We're kissing in your car
After a night of rehearsals for our one act.
You stop, pull back, whisper.
"I love you"

It’s a heart stopping moment a breathless, dizzy second in which the world forgets to turn.
And as what you say sinks in my words get stuck in my throat.
So in silence a moment comes to pass, and then another.
I still can't speak.

So I lean in and as slowly as they were parted our lips once again meet
In a kiss I hope can convey everything.
Everything except the uncertainty running through my veins.

When I grab my bags and turn to go to my house I stop.
Turn around, as though I will say something I forgot.
Something our whole world is riding on.
But when I open my mouth to speak a generic farewell escapes.
"Goodnight"
And the whole way to my room my failing tongue kills me.

You tell your friend you screwed up.
Said it too early.
Wrong time.
Ruined everything.

I tell my friend I screwed up.
That I'm an idiot for not replying.
It’s been long enough. I feel strong enough.
I ruined everything.

So we talk it out.
I'm scared to love, scared to drop everything for just a chance.
Because although I was ready to fall I had a safety belt, belay always on, ready to catch me if I should fall.
And though I trust you, truly falling would be the biggest risk of my life.

You're scared too, but for different reasons.
Because you mean it.
You really do.
And this is first time.

But you tell me its okay.
That I don't have to say it.
If I'm not ready, you can wait. And you will.
How ever long it takes.
You are amazing.

I've grown to love the little things you do.
The kisses on the top of my head in theatre.
How you spin me around, twirl me like a princess.
Afternoons leaning against you backstage.
Your laugh, your smile.
The way your eyes light up when you see me.
You open my car door.
Shake my father's hand.
I love your little eccentricities.
When we played video games,
Your laugh when I died over and over.
And over again.
Our days out with friends.
Sitting in your passenger seat, my hand in yours.
The way you surprised me on Valentine's Day.
Those six chocolate roses.
You call me beautiful.
Sit with me when I'm upset.
Rub my neck to banish headaches.
You would never dream of hurting me.
I love being around your family.
Your beautiful mom
Funny stepdad
Crazy little brother.
When we watch movies after a long day
I love it when you fall asleep.
I feel you move as you twitch in the half awake
Until your breathing finally slows
And your face is just peace.
Calm as an autumn day,
Reminding me why I am so lucky.

And as I fall in love with these little things
I feel myself slipping.
Not in a way as to cause alarm, but to become more yours.
Because baby I'm still captivated by everything you are.

And that night eleven days ago when I was at a loss for words I was told something I denied.
Something I still will say I'm not ready for, were I to be asked out right.
And yet I know what I was told is true.

Try as I might to deny it,
To keep the ground under my feet,
To keep myself safe from a fallout,
I cannot.

Because I think I might love you.

You take me as I am.
Give me what I need.
And so much more.

I was a fool to give you up so willingly last year.
But with the way we are now, I wouldn't change a single second of time.
And words cannot describe how much happiness you have caused.

You have sixty-eight days of high school left.
And that thought evokes in me more fear than reliving that first "I love you" a hundred times.
Baby everything will change.
Seven days ago we celebrated our four months.
In twenty-seven days we'll be enjoying a second shot at the prom we should have had last year.
In one hundred fifty-nine days I will be starting my junior year.
Without your sparkling smile to greet me on my first day.
For the first time.

But these are all numbers we live by.
Days that will pass with no chance to get them back.
And our time together is measured in moments
Kisses
Dreams
Love
Things that passing days will not touch.

And I know that some days crawl and some days fly.
And these next sixty-eight may take their toll.

But at the end of each one I see my knight-in-shining-armor, a silhouette against the setting sun.
Riding off into the sunset with a dazzling smile and my heart in his possession.