The Demons of Cope
When being alone is far much better then with a crowd of friends because I know I’ll have to put on this mask so you’ll stop asking if I’m fine.
Because it’s easier to tell you ‘I’m fine’ then try to explain the pain I’m going through.
The haunting fact I have to pull on this mask horrifies me,
that I can’t trust the people closest to me to understand.
And every morning I wake hoping it’s my last breathe because I’m stuck in purgatory and I can’t handle it.
That if I do go out and buy those blades that I’ll cut straight down and not across
they could never sow those up like the pieces of my heart that ache with this pain that won’t go away knowing that I’ll never see you walk again. That I won’t be able to go do all those things we said we would. I won’t see you selling the finest pieces of jewelry, go to a Red Socks game or even just take a stroll in Monterey.
Because you were taken from me.
No,
You were murdered in front of me because people wouldn’t own up to their mistakes and when they finally had the guts it was too little too late and here I am with a burnt and dead family tree knowing I’m he only sign of life on it trying to flourish when all I see is death.
I’m alone in this world while surrounded by the people I want in my life but that can’t see the demons that chase me.
Because I don’t show them.
They don’t understand that their lives can move on because nothing has changed for them.
I’m stuck in this freeze frame of a life and they all move past me and I can’t keep up
While all I want to do is listen to my shit music and cry.
But I know I have to pick myself up and move forward when I don’t want to.
They say I’m strong for doing so but they couldn’t be more wrong.
It’s a lie I tell myself to keep myself moving knowing it means shit to me.
Then wondering why I haven’t gone on a rampage to slit every throat with the blade in my hand can reach hoping it would take the rage out of me so I could shut myself down and just rot away not having to care where I’m going because I’m already in this prison.
I can’t break this choke-hold.
And as she told me, I’m suffocating and I need to get out.
For the first time I have this freedom but I’m too scared to see if my own wings can take me away
This is all I’ve ever known but I don’t want it to be.
I’m still lost in the black abyss of nothing and I can’t seem to find that light at the end of the tunnel not knowing it’s so close though after all this time I’ve come to the conclusion there isn’t one.
Maybe I’m still blinded or just not trying hard enough but all I know is there still is that pain that I can’t seem to lose as if it were my new shadow following me throughout what I thought were the brightest moments of my life.
Don’t think I’m trying to guilt trip you because I’m not, I’m just stating that you’ll never understand and that’s what frustrates you when you tell me to talk to you. You practically beg me to tell you how I feel, but please, don’t act like you can interpret my demons because we both know you’ll lose that game long before you realize it.
Because it’s easier to tell you ‘I’m fine’ then try to explain the pain I’m going through.
The haunting fact I have to pull on this mask horrifies me,
that I can’t trust the people closest to me to understand.
And every morning I wake hoping it’s my last breathe because I’m stuck in purgatory and I can’t handle it.
That if I do go out and buy those blades that I’ll cut straight down and not across
they could never sow those up like the pieces of my heart that ache with this pain that won’t go away knowing that I’ll never see you walk again. That I won’t be able to go do all those things we said we would. I won’t see you selling the finest pieces of jewelry, go to a Red Socks game or even just take a stroll in Monterey.
Because you were taken from me.
No,
You were murdered in front of me because people wouldn’t own up to their mistakes and when they finally had the guts it was too little too late and here I am with a burnt and dead family tree knowing I’m he only sign of life on it trying to flourish when all I see is death.
I’m alone in this world while surrounded by the people I want in my life but that can’t see the demons that chase me.
Because I don’t show them.
They don’t understand that their lives can move on because nothing has changed for them.
I’m stuck in this freeze frame of a life and they all move past me and I can’t keep up
While all I want to do is listen to my shit music and cry.
But I know I have to pick myself up and move forward when I don’t want to.
They say I’m strong for doing so but they couldn’t be more wrong.
It’s a lie I tell myself to keep myself moving knowing it means shit to me.
Then wondering why I haven’t gone on a rampage to slit every throat with the blade in my hand can reach hoping it would take the rage out of me so I could shut myself down and just rot away not having to care where I’m going because I’m already in this prison.
I can’t break this choke-hold.
And as she told me, I’m suffocating and I need to get out.
For the first time I have this freedom but I’m too scared to see if my own wings can take me away
This is all I’ve ever known but I don’t want it to be.
I’m still lost in the black abyss of nothing and I can’t seem to find that light at the end of the tunnel not knowing it’s so close though after all this time I’ve come to the conclusion there isn’t one.
Maybe I’m still blinded or just not trying hard enough but all I know is there still is that pain that I can’t seem to lose as if it were my new shadow following me throughout what I thought were the brightest moments of my life.
Don’t think I’m trying to guilt trip you because I’m not, I’m just stating that you’ll never understand and that’s what frustrates you when you tell me to talk to you. You practically beg me to tell you how I feel, but please, don’t act like you can interpret my demons because we both know you’ll lose that game long before you realize it.