Crashing

dawn breaks –
the sun’s yolk
slips past the ocean’s horizon
and eases through:
the egg’s white shell,
the sky’s white clouds.
i stand,
yearning,
begging for relief
from the gripping hold it has over me,
over my mind.

this disorder pushes me to
gain
loss.
i feel it –
literally,
physically –
the closeness.
so near to
my goal

waves c r a s h,
c r a s h,
crash.
the yolk sets
behind me,
just as I know my problems will be –
in the past.
I inch my toes
to the line
between land and ocean,
restraint and freedom,
chaos and peace,
life and –

inching my toes,
I slip into my cold cloak of wet nighttime.
the surface brushes my
angular knees,
protruding hipbones,
concave stomach,
waving ribcage,
birdlike arms and shoulders,
and lastly,
consumes my face.
ha – my worst fear
mirrors my greatest and final endeavor;
the irony kills me
peering into the chilled water,
I feel my eyes burn,
searching, pleading,
for company, reassurance,
reason.

my mind wanders,
can’t focus.
a wave of emotion crashes over my body
I search for peace.
I beg for forgiveness
for all the pain I’ve
caused and
felt.
gasping for air,
I breathe in the salty recipe
the only thing to enter my mouth
in days,
weeks.
how long has it been?

and suddenly,
it grows quiet,
peaceful
I’m calm and one with
the ocean,
my rituals,
my weight.
the vast teal and blue
fades to a dark navy
and then black.
nirvana.

her body, so frail and petite,
drifted up to the surface
and later out away from the shore.
birds sang her a requiem
and all mourned her
short life
and pain.