Dying

I think of suicide constantly,
I think of what I am,
Who I am,
All my past,

I've thought about it,
Over and over,
Looping and repeating,
I don't deserve the skin I wear,

I sliced open my skin,
Exploded my heart,
Blistered my hands and feet,
Melted my eyes,

I have been through a mess,
And came out dilapidated,
Sunken and wrecked,
I have felt the scorn of the world,

I want to burn down every building,
Murder everyone on earth,
Rebuild the innocent,
And murder myself,

I am full of hate,
I am full of sadness,
I am being eaten alive,
I am not "living",

I am not the norm,
Nor am I the outsider,
I am in between,
I am forever sick,

I regret the decisions I make,
I regret the steps I've taken,
I regret the words I've spoken,
I regret the breath I just had,

Dying looks so sweet,
Like a release from reality,
Leave behind everything,
And start anew,
But I know I don't deserve it.