Couldn't Say I Love You

I stood there, unable to speak
While he laid there, tired and weak
Although it strained him to say
Those words he’d planned anyway
He kept talking
It was a one-sided conversation
I could only stand and stare
Too shocked to respond
As he told me to be good
Work hard, stay in school
Listen to your parents
Follow the rules
He loved every single one of us
So so much

So I went to his side
Held his hand and said
That he’d get better
So don’t feel down
All of us love him
And to get better
Summer just started
We’ll go swim in the creek
We’ll harvest the rice
It’s only beginning to sprout
We’ll have lots of fun
Now that the school year is done

Constant voices in my ear
In my head and my heart
‘say you love him’
they kept telling me
‘but,’ I thought
‘isn’t that what you say to someone
who’s going away?’
then no way,
he’s not going anywhere.

He’s always been around
He’ll get better in no time
So I go home
As he only gets worse and worse
I hang out as always
Laugh and play like every day
But then I go back
And he can no longer talk
He can’t move his head
Because it makes him dizzy
He only feels self-pity
And I can only stand by silently

I’ll stay the night
So I bring along my laptop
To help pass the time
His monitor beeps
His oxygen is low
I get scared
My heart pounds nervously
And I awaken dad
It the first time I’ve heard it
The words out of his mouth
‘grandpa’s miserable’
he moaned out the words
almost imperceptibly
repeated and repeated
until we finally understood

dad made futile attempts
to reassure him
but what he was doing
was reassuring himself
and reassuring me
so he would ask
‘why are my hands so bony?’
and he would cry and ask
‘why do I have to wear this (oxygen mask)?’
and the doctors would answer
and dad would answer
with perfectly logical reasons
it’s the medicine
you’re getting better

so I sighed and relaxed
loving him all the more
feeling sad to the core
when will he get better?
His monitor would go off
He’d get the mask again
I would go on my laptop
Knowing he’d get better
Play a few games of tetris
Learning to ignore his occasional moans
I figured, ‘he’s just trying to talk’
But I wouldn’t understand him anyway
So what’s the point of trying?
Then dad would scold me
Get off of your game
And come listen to him
‘wait’ I replied
I only had twenty seconds left
If I stopped, I’d lose a star on the game
So I waited and finished the game
The monitor beeped again
And I went to his side
As he pleaded with my father
With difficulty, we deciphered
His words he spoke out
‘they don’t know how to fix me’
‘take me to a different place’

so again dad spoke up
patted his hand, his head, his arm
said it would be okay
he was going to get better
reassuring himself
reassuring me
night passed and morning came
mom came and heard grandpa’s words
‘they don’t know how to fix me’
‘take me to a different place’
I’ve never seen mom so anxious
She went to the station
Demanded to be relocated
Scolded them on everything they did wrong
How could they not get a doctor to him
When they requested the day before?
Why don’t they give him pain meds
When he needs them?
Even if he’s in pain, he won’t complain.
Why would they leave a patient moaning in pain all day and night?
It was then it hit me
He wasn’t trying to talk at all…
He was in pain.

I felt guilty
I couldn’t do anything
I was completely
Helpless
So grandpa was moved
I was sent home to babysit
As everyone else went to see grandpa
A day passed and I was reunited with family
It was a happy time
I was to go to the hospital again
Then we got a text from dad
From the hospital
‘he just had a heart attack’
‘he was revived but we’d better hurry’
so uncle gassed the car
grandma called
‘if you want to see him again, hurry’
we hurried again

the car was parked and I didn’t waste another minute
I ran beside my cousin
We ran to the ccu
Another cousin walked out
Crying freely
I was confused
Grandpa’s supposed to be better
My eyes watered as I entered
There was everybody
Crying with tissues
I started to sob
‘tell him you love him’
they said again
so I walked up to grandpa
unconscious and unmoving
I was scared
I have to say it now
I could really lose him this time
‘grandpa, I love you’
I finally said

Soon after that
They finally stopped reviving him
I was there
There was no change
He was already gone
Before I said the words
Before I told him
I loved him

So I went to his side
Held his hand and said
That he’d get better
So don’t feel down
All of us love him
And to get better
Summer just started
We’ll go swim in the creek
We’ll harvest the rice
It’s only beginning to sprout
We’ll have lots of fun
Now that the school year is done

I missed my chance
And now I can’t change it
So I kept crying
Full of endless regrets
I put tetris before him
A stupid game like that
I ignored his moans of pain
A terrible mistake
And worst of all
I missed my chance
To tell him directly
‘grandpa I love you’

so I say it to him again
when I see his embalmed face
but it’s not the same
it’s all to late
I’m so sorry
I’m so terrible
I’m so pitiful
I’m so depressed
I love you
I miss you
Farewell
But it’s all too late
I can’t go back
He’s gone forever
The only ones suffering now
Are the ones left behind
Full of sorrow and regret