goodbye (with all my love, which will never be enough)
liquid winter sliped into a tall glass
in my hands
crawling moans escaped the walls on the other
on the other side of the room.
there’s no one to talk to here,
no one no one no one to deserve
the words.
dialing the numbers in my mind,
empty drunk, I
waited for a familiar voice.
her fiance picked up.
“Hello?”
I managed words, “is Elanora in?”
“Who’s asking?”
“An old friend of hers,” I said.
I heard him contemplating giving the
phone over to her and for all
the best reasons, I thought.
then I heard:
“Who is it, Alex?”
“It’s him,” was all he said before a
strange silence touched my ears.
I heard the handing of phone
and then her voice
like a choir of Hell
came through, saying,
“you have some nerve calling this number, Seth.”
“I’d call it selfishness, babe. How’s the engagement going?”
“It’s alright. We’re getting married in April.”
“How beautiful. You always loved that month.”
“Mixed emotions, really. Why are you calling me?”
“to tell you that I lost $200 dollars at the betting table up on 17th street, Gamblers’ Diner.You remember the place?”
”Sure. We had our first glass of alcohol there. You picked a fight with a bum for 10 dollars and told the waitress to bring you someone to lick a shot off of. You left me there at the table, wondering whether or not you would become the man I met 2 years ago in Arizona.”
“Was I?”
I felt her smile. “Somewhat. You had your days once you realized what alcohol felt like going through your throat, your chest, touching your stomach, empty and all …”
“Yeah … that’s why I’m calling you, babe.”
“I can’t do this, Seth. I love you, but I’m engaged. I can’t go and be your life support every time you’re like this.”
“But … I can feel him. I can feel him scratching at my heart, my soul. all this rage. what I did to him. there’s nothing to drink around here, and what there is to drink won’t save me, won’t contain him, won’t FUCK HIM!”
“why isn’t you’re girlfriend - - what’s her name? Steph?”
“Yeah … something like that.”
“Ok. Why isn’t she helping you?”
“She’s good company, baby. She’s good company. Bless her soul, she’s alright and she’s doing all she can to help me, but I need a woman’s touch that has been inside me, baby. I need the touch of yours to bring me back from Hell, baby.”
“Seth, I’m sorry …”
I sensed her wanting to hang up and do what
I would do when too many
people would
call,
but I shouted:
“WAIT! No! Please … he’s here. He’s in this room. Those eyes. Green. Eyes of green. Owl shaped. He’s here. He’s around me. His wings. His eyes. Please, I need that drink …”
“I’m sorry, Seth, but I’m not that person anymore. You know what?”
“What, babe?”
“I knew you and I would have never made it once I realized how much you loved yourself and that bottle than you loved your own damn heart.”
“But I do love you!”
“No. I know you love me, for the wrong reasons, mind you, but I meant your heart. You’re going to die to the bottle, and you don’t even realize how soon yet.”
“Elanora …”
Then a click.
Few seconds passed and the T.V.’s noises came
back.
I began to slam the phone on its
receiver
“FUK FUK FUK FUK FUK!”
then laughter.
then cries.
then then
then
goodbye.
in my hands
crawling moans escaped the walls on the other
on the other side of the room.
there’s no one to talk to here,
no one no one no one to deserve
the words.
dialing the numbers in my mind,
empty drunk, I
waited for a familiar voice.
her fiance picked up.
“Hello?”
I managed words, “is Elanora in?”
“Who’s asking?”
“An old friend of hers,” I said.
I heard him contemplating giving the
phone over to her and for all
the best reasons, I thought.
then I heard:
“Who is it, Alex?”
“It’s him,” was all he said before a
strange silence touched my ears.
I heard the handing of phone
and then her voice
like a choir of Hell
came through, saying,
“you have some nerve calling this number, Seth.”
“I’d call it selfishness, babe. How’s the engagement going?”
“It’s alright. We’re getting married in April.”
“How beautiful. You always loved that month.”
“Mixed emotions, really. Why are you calling me?”
“to tell you that I lost $200 dollars at the betting table up on 17th street, Gamblers’ Diner.You remember the place?”
”Sure. We had our first glass of alcohol there. You picked a fight with a bum for 10 dollars and told the waitress to bring you someone to lick a shot off of. You left me there at the table, wondering whether or not you would become the man I met 2 years ago in Arizona.”
“Was I?”
I felt her smile. “Somewhat. You had your days once you realized what alcohol felt like going through your throat, your chest, touching your stomach, empty and all …”
“Yeah … that’s why I’m calling you, babe.”
“I can’t do this, Seth. I love you, but I’m engaged. I can’t go and be your life support every time you’re like this.”
“But … I can feel him. I can feel him scratching at my heart, my soul. all this rage. what I did to him. there’s nothing to drink around here, and what there is to drink won’t save me, won’t contain him, won’t FUCK HIM!”
“why isn’t you’re girlfriend - - what’s her name? Steph?”
“Yeah … something like that.”
“Ok. Why isn’t she helping you?”
“She’s good company, baby. She’s good company. Bless her soul, she’s alright and she’s doing all she can to help me, but I need a woman’s touch that has been inside me, baby. I need the touch of yours to bring me back from Hell, baby.”
“Seth, I’m sorry …”
I sensed her wanting to hang up and do what
I would do when too many
people would
call,
but I shouted:
“WAIT! No! Please … he’s here. He’s in this room. Those eyes. Green. Eyes of green. Owl shaped. He’s here. He’s around me. His wings. His eyes. Please, I need that drink …”
“I’m sorry, Seth, but I’m not that person anymore. You know what?”
“What, babe?”
“I knew you and I would have never made it once I realized how much you loved yourself and that bottle than you loved your own damn heart.”
“But I do love you!”
“No. I know you love me, for the wrong reasons, mind you, but I meant your heart. You’re going to die to the bottle, and you don’t even realize how soon yet.”
“Elanora …”
Then a click.
Few seconds passed and the T.V.’s noises came
back.
I began to slam the phone on its
receiver
“FUK FUK FUK FUK FUK!”
then laughter.
then cries.
then then
then
goodbye.