My Life in A Poem
I think i'm lost
I've written that down a lot..and scribbled it away
How dramatic, pathetic, stupid for thinking that way!
How could I be lost? At what point did I actually do something to lose myself along the way?
I haven't done anything with myself yet
Just left a lot and came back to form a new plan, then left and came back again.
I describe it as some kind of black hole..i've heard that expression used a lot
They say, 'I got lost along the way..lost myself on the way up. I just found myself
Stuck at the bottom of this black hole, I didn't know who I was any more,
I didn't like who i ended up being in that moment.'
I sit down and think..I don't know who I am either
I think I'm lost
But I'm right here
Some days I think I know who I am
I smile and think,
How beautiful I am, how smart and full of potential
I plan of wonderous things
My life in ten years
I'll finally fill out paper work for a job
Go you! I'll say to myself
How proud my parents finally will be
I can take classes
Start a business and write on my spare time
I can be successful..write as no one has before
It'll be moving.
Then the next day I wake up
And its dark
I said the wrong thing while getting my coffee
Why is everyone snapping at me?
What did I do wrong? Fuck..what can I do right?
Am I over exaggerating, or do I have the right
To say what is wrong?
It'll end up being a fight
I just want acknowledgment.
I'm afraid of fading away
And losing my place
Everyone's growing up but I want to stay this way
For a bit longer
I'm only almost twenty-one
And I never..
Kissed more than one girl
I never slept in her bed and did anything other than sleep
I never got so drunk i didn't remember the next day
Never lost myself to youth and pissed it all away
I've held a sleeping infant in my arms
I've made the boogey man go away
I've sung lullabyes
Cleaned house
And yelled when they misbehaved
Now..after much of my youth was taken away
They say,
My child, not yours, you don't behave that way, you're only "aunty" keep it that way
Not mother hen, Dad put it that way
I don't know how to conduct myself any other way
High strung and neurotic, I believe my mother made me that way
Six kids, she's been a mother since sixteen
Her youth was taken away..by a man, she was a girl..maybe school girl age
After baby one with dad #1, my mother, I guess changed
Always with a man..a man who had to have his way
Then came baby two with dad #2
He was a beast in his own kind of way
Years later after the move from sun to igloo
Came baby three, four, five, then six with then and now dad #3
A man, whom of course I love, but he broke my mother down
Bastard can be evil, used in the past his might, now he lashes with words
My mother always cries, and yells, is frightened, nervous, and stressed most days
I love my mother..i really swear I do
She can be the best mother
Funny, loving, and sweet
That mother used to come out more often when I was younger
Those times I always cherish
More often then that she was sad and lashing out
I must admit, i was hefty in those days, a fact my mom never let me forget
There was always yelling and sadness
It permeated the air
Mom and Dad are fighting
You learn not to care
I guess the words and happenings of past
Traveled with me here
I made my life more difficult
I can't always control how i display how i feel
If I even know what i'm feeling
I know i have been happy before
I just can't tell you at what exact point or how to describe how it feels
I can tell you anger, frustration
Despair..lately i've been ready with the tears
But i have not cut
Not in a year
Right now i want to just care for myself
I want to act my age
I want to party at least once
Cause really..weed is what I do
I want to fall in love
Secretly i want to fall in love with my ex
But she's in NM..forgot about me
In college and made lots of new and exciting friends
She likes to hang with the guys, drink to get drunk, and do idiot things
She is open and loud and proud with who she is
I only just figured it out
We didn't work..
I guess I didn't really try
She said I was pretending
We're too different
We could be friends then
I don't harbor bad feelings
I know where I went wrong
I want to try so many things over
Life..my life
I can't wait til i'm older
I've written that down a lot..and scribbled it away
How dramatic, pathetic, stupid for thinking that way!
How could I be lost? At what point did I actually do something to lose myself along the way?
I haven't done anything with myself yet
Just left a lot and came back to form a new plan, then left and came back again.
I describe it as some kind of black hole..i've heard that expression used a lot
They say, 'I got lost along the way..lost myself on the way up. I just found myself
Stuck at the bottom of this black hole, I didn't know who I was any more,
I didn't like who i ended up being in that moment.'
I sit down and think..I don't know who I am either
I think I'm lost
But I'm right here
Some days I think I know who I am
I smile and think,
How beautiful I am, how smart and full of potential
I plan of wonderous things
My life in ten years
I'll finally fill out paper work for a job
Go you! I'll say to myself
How proud my parents finally will be
I can take classes
Start a business and write on my spare time
I can be successful..write as no one has before
It'll be moving.
Then the next day I wake up
And its dark
I said the wrong thing while getting my coffee
Why is everyone snapping at me?
What did I do wrong? Fuck..what can I do right?
Am I over exaggerating, or do I have the right
To say what is wrong?
It'll end up being a fight
I just want acknowledgment.
I'm afraid of fading away
And losing my place
Everyone's growing up but I want to stay this way
For a bit longer
I'm only almost twenty-one
And I never..
Kissed more than one girl
I never slept in her bed and did anything other than sleep
I never got so drunk i didn't remember the next day
Never lost myself to youth and pissed it all away
I've held a sleeping infant in my arms
I've made the boogey man go away
I've sung lullabyes
Cleaned house
And yelled when they misbehaved
Now..after much of my youth was taken away
They say,
My child, not yours, you don't behave that way, you're only "aunty" keep it that way
Not mother hen, Dad put it that way
I don't know how to conduct myself any other way
High strung and neurotic, I believe my mother made me that way
Six kids, she's been a mother since sixteen
Her youth was taken away..by a man, she was a girl..maybe school girl age
After baby one with dad #1, my mother, I guess changed
Always with a man..a man who had to have his way
Then came baby two with dad #2
He was a beast in his own kind of way
Years later after the move from sun to igloo
Came baby three, four, five, then six with then and now dad #3
A man, whom of course I love, but he broke my mother down
Bastard can be evil, used in the past his might, now he lashes with words
My mother always cries, and yells, is frightened, nervous, and stressed most days
I love my mother..i really swear I do
She can be the best mother
Funny, loving, and sweet
That mother used to come out more often when I was younger
Those times I always cherish
More often then that she was sad and lashing out
I must admit, i was hefty in those days, a fact my mom never let me forget
There was always yelling and sadness
It permeated the air
Mom and Dad are fighting
You learn not to care
I guess the words and happenings of past
Traveled with me here
I made my life more difficult
I can't always control how i display how i feel
If I even know what i'm feeling
I know i have been happy before
I just can't tell you at what exact point or how to describe how it feels
I can tell you anger, frustration
Despair..lately i've been ready with the tears
But i have not cut
Not in a year
Right now i want to just care for myself
I want to act my age
I want to party at least once
Cause really..weed is what I do
I want to fall in love
Secretly i want to fall in love with my ex
But she's in NM..forgot about me
In college and made lots of new and exciting friends
She likes to hang with the guys, drink to get drunk, and do idiot things
She is open and loud and proud with who she is
I only just figured it out
We didn't work..
I guess I didn't really try
She said I was pretending
We're too different
We could be friends then
I don't harbor bad feelings
I know where I went wrong
I want to try so many things over
Life..my life
I can't wait til i'm older
♠ ♠ ♠
Had a kind of crappy day. Started writing to get things out. my sister says i have a warped way of thinking, she's not the most sensitive when it comes to emotions.