Accident

Healing takes Time
Time takes its time
Time takes so long to heal,
Because time is not on your side

I keep thinking in my head what could have been different
What could I have done to save him?
If only I went in a few seconds sooner
If only I had gotten to him in time

I know what I’m doing to myself is wrong
The whole, “what if’s” are not going to help
But it can’t seem to stop

I struggle so hard to keep this locked up inside
That it hurts worse when it actually comes to the surface
I try to associate myself with friends and family left and right
Just to connect with someone constantly
So I can forget the pain, the sorrow,
Or anything that makes me feel horrible about myself

I didn’t even know what to say to his Mother, of all people.
I choked, I couldn’t say anything meaningful
I wanted to tell her everything,
But something stopped that from happening

Fear most likely. Fear that she might hate me
Blame goes every which way with people
And even though she is a Christian woman
I feel as if she secretly hates us all that were there
All that could have prevented him from his death

I don’t know when this healing thing will be over with,
But I’m dying inside from the wait
There is so much emotion in me
That I cannot take all at once

I practically saw a teenager die in front of my eyes
The image of his body bobbing up and down
Then sinking into the dark abyss
Will forever be imprinted into my memories

I carry this guilt and hate that poke at me
Whenever I’m weak
Just when I think I’m perfectly fine
I go back to this horrific memory
And it destroys me inside to carry this on my shoulders

I carry this recollection, the day before the accident
Of my mother reading a sign warning us,
“It takes 20 seconds for a kid to drown.”
I told her later after the accident, “It took less than 20 seconds.”