Four Years Later

he called me "angel"
held his hand over my mouth
and I was alone and afraid in the dark
he ripped the pages out of my favorite books when I wouldn't do what he wanted
slammed my head into the bedposts
I was too young, I couldn't understand

If I close my eyes the flashbacks come
the smell of his sweat mixed with chewing tobacco
and the sound of his voice echoing in my mind
making me tremble in fear even now

he's far away
he can't hurt me
it's over
but still I have nightmares
four years later
they'll haunt my troubled head
leave me shaking from the remembered terror
bring me back to nine years old, trying to get away

i can't forget
i don't want to remember
the blanks in my memory that leave me angry

who was he to steal three years of my life,
who was he to hurt me so much
why was it me, was it really my fault?
those answers, I'll never receive

he wanted what he had no right to take.
took advantage of a vulnerable little girl
who now fears the things in the shadows
who knew more by force
than any child should.