Smile, Ellie!

4 months since I last heard you were alive and well

And well tonight, I wonder if you're breathing;

still swallowing sleeping pills and spending your days in a dream I won't be part of tomorrow.

4 days since I last felt the taste of anything but water and diuretics.

I'm trembling white with a face that I don't remember anymore.

And I've got this.

Counting carrots and bites and calories.

It hurts less when I'm trembling and hallucinating and I don't expect you to understand.

It doesn't matter if they fight (I'll be alright, in another 4 days.)

And would you care that I have black outs (wake up dizzy on the bedroom floor.)

In another 4 months, I'll be better.

In another 4 months, you'll wish you'd never slipped away.

I feel so much more than yesterday.

You can keep her and your new life, I'll stay clutching to my collar bones and tracing out the lines between my ribcage.

Because yesterday is over, and I won't fail this.

If your body is your temple, mine came crashing down.

Another 30 day prescription and she says it will help.

"You're killing yourself".

Prozac to control the purge.

Codiene to control the urge.

B12 for metabolism.

Vitamins and veganism.

"I'm just not hungry today".

You'll never know what it's like to be me.

And I'm not apathetic, but I live my life with a closed mouth.

When your self worth is measured in calories.

I want out of this skin, feels like I'm trapped in layers.

Famished and fragile.

I can escape what it means to be human.

And I'll never need again.

I'll never eat again.

And I need this like you'll never know.

I feel a strange type of desperate.

I don't want to need anything anymore. I want to crawl out of my skin and evolve.

Frozen blueberries and ice.

I am stronger than you think.

And one day, I won't need you.

I can purge these thoughts from my head and feel warm.

4 months from now, I'll be someone else.

Dance away the heartbreak.

And I'm staying.