New Chapters

"How are you?"
a simple, common question.
Yet a terrifying and daunting task.

"Just fine." It rolls off my tongue.
my default answer, even when it isn't true.

"How was your day?"
"Good." I say, no matter how it really was.

"Are you ok?" and what do I say?
"Of course." and bury my feelings deep inside.
I bury them until all i feel is nothing.

In this poem that isn't a poem
I can't find the words to say
just how trapped I feel within myself
every single day.

These walls I've built are closing in.
And I've begun to second guess,
just how and when i'll break them down
and let someone else in.

why can't i express
the feelings deep inside?
why am I so scared?
Why do I hide?

I can barely hold a conversation.
Being intimate in any way causes me to shake in fear.
I get nervous when talking of emotion.

I want to trust.
I want to give my heart away.
but at the last minute something pulls me back.
I continue to keep my heart at bay.

"I Love you." Three little words that I cannot say aloud.
They contain so many precious things.
I never say it easily.
Yet in my heart it screams so loud.

I'm stuck in this place
of loving and moving on.
But how do I do it?
Everything seems wrong.

I'm glad that she has found someone.
Surprisingly I am not jealous or bitter.
It makes me happy to see her happy,
Even if i'm not with her.

It is a wonderful thing
to love someone that much.
now I just have to learn to change that love,
so that i can love her without being in love.

I'm working on it,
I'm not quite there.
but i really wish i was.

So I will start another chapter.
I'll go somewhere new.
I'll try to open up my heart,
the way I have with you.

I hope we'll stay this close forever.
That no matter what happens,
we'll always have each other.

But for now I'll take my heart,
and where it on my sleeve.
Maybe now I'll find something
that will allow me to believe.