Yearning

i sit in my bed as i write you again,

write for my sanity

nostalgia of sin.

those nights i spent curled up so tight in your arms

not sure what to do,

scared to let in the harm.

the pain which we feel when we let down our guard,

that suffering we go through when we’re broken to shards.

there are few other pains that compare to heartbreak

the screams that erupt when you violently shake

on the floor all alone,

praying she’ll find you…

but when she doesn’t,

what else can you do?

that girl's tired of my presence,

but i can still taste her essence

cause it lingers on my skin,

it’s where the memories begin.

torturing myself with all we once had,

all she gave up,

it still drives me mad.

we shared something sacred,

a bond i still treasure.

but now,

a year later,

i give up on forever.

i abandon the promises she made when she kissed me,

i dispel all the standards she set that i should be,

i curse these clear tears you can’t wipe from my cheek;

i accept that your love is what has made me weak.

the strength i once had left when you came.

changed my whole being

when i should have stayed the same,

should have said no

should have walked away.

shouldn’t have let you hold me that day.

you kissed me so gently i felt my heart throb.

whispered sweet words when i’d endlessly sob.

smile down at me as though you had cared.

but what i didn’t know is that you were shared.

those girls that you fucked when i was away,

was each moment different; what did you say?

did you tell them they made your heart soar through air

as fast or as peaceful as her skin is fair?

would you repeat all the lines i once heard you sigh?

you probably did,

while at home,

i would cry.

my wrists would lie limp in pinkish clear water.

the demon inside,

i lost when i fought her.

she took all control,

gave me no mercy.

ripped open my skin for this whole world to see.

told me to beg for my life to the lord,

or kneel down to thanatos;

feel death’s great sword.

perhaps it was love.

perhaps it was pride.

but i screamed out your name,

and right then i died.

not in the body as my demon wished,

but right in my heart where you still reside.

i finally admitted i was desperate for you,

whatever you wanted,

was what i would do.