Things Not to Think about Lying in Bed at Night

don’t think about how you
starve yourself only to come home and
binge and eat so much, too much, and
you’re going to end up fat and ugly

don’t think about how your friend
got pissed off at you and stormed off
and how you thought
‘i’ll just stop bothering then’

don’t think about how your leg
stings every night and how
the tips of your pins are
stained red with blood

don’t think about how your instinctive
reaction to the overheard words of someone
saying ‘the thought of self harm makes me feel sick’
is to think ‘does that mean you think i’m sick?’

don’t think about how every tiny
little thing makes you want to cry
to break down and sob so hard that
your body shakes uncontrollably

don’t think about how easy it would
be to disappear to stop talking or
making an effort because it’s not
like anyone notices you anyway

don’t think about how sometimes
you want to stick two fingers down
your throat and purge your body of
everything and how you’ve tried it

don’t think about how many times
you’ve thought ‘i want it all
to end’ and how many times
you’ve planned how to do it

don’t think about being saved
because the truth is you won’t be
because you can’t open up to
anyone