Utter Silence

i hoped to see an angel tonight
in my grandparent's quiet house
i hoped to see a ghost

as i sat alone on my grandmother's bed, i did hear them
the ghosts, whispering, walking through the kitchen
and the living room, bumping through the attic
and i saw them in the moonlight
peering at me from the darkness of the woods

the ghosts, they didn't frighten me
just wore me out with their empty gazes
and their bittersweet memories, now
it feels like i'll never smile again

they curled my soul into a little ball
and dropped it in my stomach
now, i only want to vomit
i'm so god damn exhausted
from searching
from hearing nothing
but echoes

i hoped to see something, anything
but i saw no angel other than
the one that sat on the christmas tree
there was no messenger from beyond
waiting there to tell me that it's all okay
that they're together and at peace
i felt no warmth, saw no light to comfort me
no arms to hold me as i wept
and soothe the pain
shooting from my heart to my head
like strikes of lightning up my spine
my sanctuary, this empty house,
the world, will never
be the same again

i hoped to see an angel tonight
but, for the living, the only thing
that seems to come after death
is an utter, terrible