At Night

you used to light up the world
with your eyes dark and bright
I wish you knew how much I adored you
and how much I loved you
and how much I looked up to you
and how much I really appreciated you
but it's a little late for that
no
it's far too late for that
and I wish you knew how much I really cared
because maybe I'm selfish and it'd be easier for me
maybe it would be easier for me to live with myself if you knew
if you knew how much I adored you
and how much I loved you
and how much I looked up to you
and how much I really appreciated you
but years later you're still flooding my veins with the poison of guilt and sadness and self disappointment
the lump in my throat has only grown bigger since you've been gone
the hole in my chest has only been dug deeper
sometimes I manage to convince myself that I'm okay,
that I've accepted this
some days I'm actually happy and excited and alive
but I'm a great actrice, especially when it comes to this
and deep down I know I'm not okay
and I still think this is some cosmic, universal joke
and sometimes I lay awake at night
trying to catch a bit of sleep but it's impossible because everyone knows
everyone knows that the darkest of thoughts haunt us at night
the deepest regrets
the guilt building up like bile in our throats, choking us and making us gasp for air
and it's at night when we know we aren't okay
when we know that we aren't that happy, carefree person we build ourselves up to be
we are broken and shattered and fractured souls that are barely getting by
and we hate ourselves more and more every day for not doing something when we really couldn't do anything