Hoozy Thinky Iz

“Hoozy Thinky Iz” Wayne White said through my screen.

My screen,

my screen to my laptop, the one I claim is mine but my mom says is hers. The one we pawn for 50 – 100 dollars every other week to keep food on the table,

on the table, but not really, because the last time we ever ate at the table I was nine or ten, and my brother had already gone. Too soon for my taste but a selfish act he had to make so he,

Could stay sane. A selfish act he had to make with no explanation besides an apology,

but an explanation was not needed, cause I knew what was driving him away, but he didn’t get a note like I did, from a wise and wonderful boy, who if only had heeded his own advice, may not have broken two hearts on the same day,

“Don’t do what I did to mom”.

And I haven’t, nor could I.

Because my strength went out the door when he did

And now they all say he’s broken and lost, so smart, but lost, a prodigy with no will
He has that creative genius flare, but the lax attitude of a too-smart-for-his-own-good slacker, not that he’s slacking. He just doesn’t care,

But, Hoozy Thinky Iz, but none other than an experienced and broken down kid, plastered on a platter to be fed to the dogs, when he had so much to offer,

I don’t know, maybe it’s the drugs he’s on, because when I saw him, I saw something else,

I saw a dreamer with a heart and a soul, and a body that was willing to go somewhere for others,

Not this laid back, pot head, with a tortured mind, worried for his family, but no interest to be involved.

Then again,

Who do I think,

I am?

To judge and preach about what kind of failure failures are, when I can’t even allow myself to look in a mirror anymore, without distaste,

Who has failed me?

I have begun to realize, it wasn’t him when he left,

It was me when I let my heart sneak out with him,

When I allowed myself to believe, I was too weak to cope with pain,

When I convinced myself, I was to blame for other’s sorrow, as if I’m a plague on those who smile,

When I remembered every mistake I’ve made, and owned it, without recalling my potential, and my successes.

When I became the no good, worthless, undeserving, undesirable, and insecure fool I am today,

When I started to think, I was a hopeless case,

Instead of someone with a heart and soul and a body that was willing to go ANYWHERE for the better of ANYONE, as long as it would mean something.
So I put these words down, on a screen,

A screen,

That is a gateway to the very same people I have failed, and my brother has failed, and we have all failed at some point, with a note, saying

Don’t do the same thing.