Thank You I Love You; I'm Sorry I Loved You

can I just start by saying thank you for seeing me.
Thank you for being the first one to say hi
you don't know how many times a day I replay our first moments in my head
how many nights it has kept me up dreaming and how many mornings it has woken me up hoping.
“What does it mean?”
It must have meant something
and maybe it meant nothing to you but to 15 year old me it meant everything. It meant the only thing.

thank you for looking past my uneven skin tone and bitten off finger nails
thank you for not laughing when I tried to wear eyeshadow
thank you for never walking past me in the halls without smiling and giving me that cool nod thing that boys do
thank you standing up for me when your best friend made me feel like ugly
thank you for seeing through my fake smiles
thank you for siting next to me that one time a lunch
thank you for understanding
thank you
I love you

Next can I just mention that I am sorry for not texting you anymore but after being ignored three times I think I got the hint
I am sorry for acting like I didn't know what you meant
I'm sorry I became friends with your girlfriend
I'm sorry I liked her too much to take you up on your offer
I'm sorry my best friend still cringes when she hears your name
I'm sorry I cried at 3am writing you a letter that I would never give you
I'm sorry I was scared even though I always acted though
sorry I cared too much about what they thought
I'm sorry I hated myself more than you were ever willing to love me

im so sorry
I love you

thank you for liking me when I didn't like myself
im sorry I didn't care about my appearance that much and came to school in shoes with holes in them
thank you for being the only person I have ever truly missed
im sorry I kept your unfaithful secrets
thank you for zipping me back up when I started to crawl out of my skin
i'm sorry I said no I said no when you asked to have sex with me
thank you for wanting to hang out with me
im sorry I didn't smoke pot with you
thank you for always giving me reason to like you again
im sorry that I still search for reasons why I should hate you

sometimes I dream of you and wake up happy and sad at the same time
you were the first boy that ever made me feel
And I wanted you to be the first boy that I ever felt
I regret doing the right thing on lonely nights like this

Im sorry I didn't tell you
that im sorry
that I loved you