Black Memory

It’s hard to notice
When I know that I’ve lost them
I see that it happened
And my eyes go wide
With fear consuming me completely
Why did she leave?

My mind goes over and over
The remains of what I thought before hand
I couldn’t wait to see her just being so lively
And was it for the better or worst?
Was it because I thought the opposite?

Everything possible comes to mind
My words jumble
With such that I don’t know what to think
And my mind is going all around the room
And I wonder
Is she going to bring us out tonight?

I think of the past
And mistakes made
Was everything my fault?
No it can’t be, shouldn’t be, I never did anything
Was there a way to stop it?

It’s not like I didn’t try
Not like I saw this coming
I’ve been drowned in dark
A wave of black with a sharp pierce of depression
Takes me under as the current pulls me
But if there was a way to see this
What would I have done to spend that time?

Let’s say I cried and cried
About the way she looked
Lying there so lifeless
Her arm under her face
Her leg draped over her purse
How?! Why?! I just can’t take the nightmare happening!
Her heart stopped!
Am I really thinking it was my fault?

Or when she failed to get up
And wrap her arms around me
My heart dropped into darkness
I’m just a little girl and can’t yell out “Mommy!”
When she feels the monsters watching her
Why couldn’t she have hugged me one last time?
Why couldn’t she have smiled and kissed me, saying everything will be alright?

And now I stand there in the door way
Holding my breath until her eyes opened
While it feels as if I’m blind by tears
And my brother screams to wake her
She doesn’t
I tried to push her arm
Nothing! Nothing happened!
Is she really lost?

Or I’m outside and I want to scream
But nothing comes out, just air
Because I’ve noticed that everything went wrong
And I remember having dreams
And wishing I never had them
That she left for good
Why didn’t she express her feelings before?

And say I suspect there’s no way to come back to this
And tears run down my face as I watch from the hurt
That is all around me
What I felt was a hole in my heart
And felt sick to my stomach
And she’s gone leaving me everything to remember
And my heart hurts, breaking, shattering
That she won’t be there anymore
Why did this have to happen to me?