Goodbye, Brother

"Fuck you."
"Go away."
"No one loves you."
Well you certainly don't.
"You're so fat, just die."
"Can you be more annoying?"
"Oh my God, shut up!"
"Fuck off!"

You there, I live with you everyday.
You go to the same school.

These hateful words you say...Why do you say them?
Where's your love for family?
But I guess it isn't there. You've got no love for Mum or Da.
I see it every day.

All I see in your eyes brother when you look at me is hate. That's it.
Hate hate hate.
Do you love anyone?

You beat me, you hit me.
I retaliate, you bruise me five times.
I leave to my room.
The tears run down quietly.
If they're not quiet I'll hear, "You're such a fucking crybaby!"

I try to be nice. I try and I try.
But all the time you frustrate me when I try to be kind.
And I leave.
I think of ways to hurt you or make your things broken.

Why do you do this to me?
I remember when we used to play - it was so long ago.
I was smaller than four years, you around six-and-a-half.
There were dinosaurs and marbles, and most definitely stuffed animals.
Just the thoughts alone make me cry.

I don't even remember any of the hugs you've ever given me there were so few.

Once you made me leave and Mum and Da thought I ran away.
I was crying because of you.

I remember once I was mad and then very very sad. I sat on the concrete steps outside for hours.
I wasn't angry at you.
But it was one of our last nice moments.
You swung the door open and sat with me, talked to me.
Until I was ready to come in.

I remember the smiles we shared at our grandparents's house at the park.
That was too long ago.
That park is tiny now. Unvisited by either of us.

When do we ever have fun?

I remember once, now this was recent - within the past two years.
I asked you if you wanted to play badminton, and you agreed. We played for hours, without angry words of fighting.
Then in the front yard, frisbee commenced with even more ease.
Thank you for that day.
The day we played for the first time in a long time.
I think I cried in the shower that night, I was so happy.

Brother, I love you, with all of my heart.
My greatest want in my life is one of your hugs that you never give to anyone.
I want you to know that I wish you the best of life and I want you to be happy, even if it means that I'll never see you again, or that I'll never see you happy.
Please brother, just love. And make the most of life.

Thanks for being the best and only brother I've ever had and will have. I really look up to you. Most of the time.
Just please make sure you have a happy life.