Not Sure

In my near 16 years of life,
I've never been quite sure of anything.
But now, I know that I'm sure of one thing:
I'm not supposed to feel this way.

I'm not supposed to experience this heart-wrenching feeling
That keeps me up at night crying
That I'm just not good enough.

I'm not supposed to wince
Every single fucking time
I pass by a mirror.

I'm not supposed to starve myself
Just because I don't feel pretty
Or skinny enough.

I'm not supposed to push everyone away
Just because I'm scared that they'll push me away
Because it happens every time.

I'm not supposed to be legitimately terrified
That no one will ever love me,
That I'll die old and all alone.

I'm not supposed to feel this horrible anxiety
At every thing in my life,
At things that people would usually not give a second thought about.

I'm not supposed to feel uneasy and unsafe
In every place I go, even my own home
That's not even a home, just an empty shell of depression and a lack of nostalgia.

I'm not supposed to question
If my best fucking friends even like me
Or if they just tolerate me out of pity.

I'm not supposed to want to cry desperately
But I just can't
I physically can't.

I'm not supposed to scare myself,
To have to forcibly expel thoughts
That send shivers down my spine.

I'm not supposed to hate myself in every way possible.
I'm not supposed to question every single thing in my life.
I'm not supposed to give up.

But I do hate myself.
And I do question everything.
And I have given up.

And I'm sorry
That I didn't grow up
The way you wanted me to.

This is the way that I am now
And I don't think I will ever change
Not if I feel this way so young.

When I've felt like this for so many years,
When I've mentally abused myself
With no help from anyone else.

When I've turned myself invisible
To not show any pain.

When I've tried to be strong,
But I know that I'm truly weak.

When the only thing I'm sure of
Is that I'm not supposed to feel this way.