Just Give Me a Minute

I wish I could take all the pain away.
The pain of every shot you drink.
The pain of every inhaled drag of a cigarette.
But honestly... Isn't that the reason we do it?

The reason we take those shots in the middle of the night to numb the pain that we feel deep within?
To stop all the yelling and all the fighting in our minds?

I drink to wipe away all the thoughts in my head.
I drink because I promised I wouldn't try to kill myself again.... Now Im just killing myself slowly... This way no one will notice.

I wish I could stop time and just go back.. Go back to the days when nothing mattered.. When all I had to do was wake up in the morning and pretend that everything was fine because everything was fine. And I miss the days when I could smile honestly...

I live in the fear that I will become an alcoholic because I cant live with myself... I don't like what Ive become but I have no intention of changing....

What is wrong with me? I want to know but I don't want help...