Anxiety

Inhaling deeply,
My left hand holding the doorknob firmly,
"I can do this,"
I tell myself,
And I begin to open the door,
To the outside world.

It takes just one step,
To realize my horrible mistake.
My body trembles,
My hands sweat,
And my heart beats wildly.

I begin to hyperventilate,
Help!
I can't breathe!
My head throbs with pain,
I can't do this!

With all my strength,
I run back inside.
Calming down,
I realize I was such a fool.

I try again,
This time going by car,
I am in school now,
My favorite place to be.
Yet, why do I feel funny?

I realize with horror,
That the feeling is back.
The sweaty palms,
The rapid breathing,
And heartbeat,
The head throbbing,
No!
I shout in my head,
Why here!?
Why now!?

I sink to the floor,
And lean against the wall,
Shaking uncontrollably,
I hope no one notices.

My prayers go unanswered,
As everyone goes up to me.
At least ten faces,
Are talking all at once.

"Hey!"
"Morning!"
"You alright?"
"Guess what?"
I did the uncontrollable,
And I screamed.

As they stare in shock,
I calmly take a breath.
I apologize,
And say
"One at a time please."

That's actually a lie,
I love you guys,
But my body is saying you should go away,
Yet I don't want that.

I feel like crying,
I feel so pathetic,
So afraid,
So ashamed.

I want to talk,
My throat is cut short,
I want to be like you,
Living life without a care,
Yet I see the world as a depressing place,
And I'm scared,
Scared of what you'll think of me.

How badly I want to curl up in a ball and hide,
And just transport home,
To my room,
But I can't hide forever.

I can't even ask anyone a simple question,
I dislike stores,
Restaurants,
And going to houses I'm unfamiliar with.

It gets worse,
Why are my parents ignoring it?
They call it a phobia,
They might think I'm too lazy to leave,
I silently cry for help,
Because I can't say it out loud.
Someone help me,
Please,
Help me with this,
Social Anxiety.