I'm Not Gay

You looked at me and smiled.

And my heart fell out of my mouth
I swear, it rolled up my throat, down my tongue and landed at my feet
Oh, God, someone please get me out
I'm a bee and your gaze is like a honey-covered bug zapper
so sweet, and so bright, and so, so sweet
but if I come any closer, you'll kill me

If I could slow down every time you blink
I would
to watch the way your eyelashes caress the empty space in front of them
so don't even for a second think
that I don't want you

I do.

I want you like the grass wants the dew
like an actor want his cue
like the stars want the moon

Believe me, I want your celestial body

like a kid wants braces
and who really wants braces? not me
at least that's what I tell myself
and everyone else

and I know that you're for my own good
know that if I want teeth that shine
instead of "oh, god, your teeth are crookeder than a drunk driver's straight line."
I must wear you

embrace you, despite the bullies pounding at my spine
but in all honesty,

I'm too scared to

don't get me wrong you're fucking beautiful
but, see, it's cause we have the same genitals
that I can't risk being with you
but that's rapidly getting harder to do

especially since that other boy is melting at your smile too.

but no. no, this is not right.
I don't want this, I don't wanna fight with my own body
this is not happening, I like women

I'm just confused
please heart, tell me you're just kidding

it's not true

nonono, no way.

I don't want you
please, please go away
I don't want these feelings anymore

I don't care what my body or my heart may say
this is my choice, I will have my way

forget the weak knees, the flushed cheeks, the erratic heart
you cannot, will not tear me apart

listen, I'm done with this, okay?
when we hang out with mutual friends at the end of the day, i--

oh, god, don't smile at me that way

I'm on the brink

I am 120% NOT gay.

(I think.)