The Sadness Within

I see people I used to trust around me all the time.
I long to reach out to them,
to touch them,
to make sure that I exist.
Even though they have hurt me.

Because,
they act like I'm not here.
I am non-existant.
They walk all around me,
thinking nothing of it,
as they carry on with their lives.

Words try to escape my lips,
but they keep getting caught,
sadness pulling them back down,
threatening to hurt me if I speak against them.
My feelings are to blame.

I stay silent,
already hurting enough from being ignored,
and decide not to reach out.
Not to call for help.
To become submissive, and to fall into the arms of my capturer.
I've captured myself.

I sit alone, watching people walk by.
I tune them out, just in case they were to see me.
Scared that i'll be punished for communication.
Music is the only allowance I have.
I use it to drown out the sadness that continues harassing me.
It never ends.

'You're worthless.'
'You're retarded.'
'You never get anything right.'
'You'll never be truly loved.'
The constant taunting of my own mind keeps me awake.

Within my mind, a constant battle continues,
day in and day out,
music against my sadness.
I don't know when it'll end.
Music is losing.

This empty shell that I am,
has kept me from feeling.
Kept me from being completely sane.
Has left me broken, my thin shell threatening to break.
I'm weak.

My sadness is taking over,
consuming me,
destroying me,
using me to its advantage,
threatening to leave me in ruins,
just as helpless as in the past.

I think things through,
deciding whether or not it's worth it to fight.
To try and save myself.
To try and become whole again.
To be... happy.

It isn't.

I let the sadness carry me away.

And just like that...
the battle is over.

Sadness has won yet again.

I'm gone.