PTSD (I Was Going to Call You My Dad)

If my brain can erase my memories
Then can it erase the pain?
Because ever since that year 
I just haven't been the same.

Every day is another nightmare,
I find no refuge in sleep.
I can't hold on to my friends
And I'm torn apart at the seams.

I minded all my manners
And tried so hard to make you proud,
I know, I'm useless, but tell me why
Did you have to grab my hair and toss me around?

I know you've had a bad life, 
So I tried to understand.
But how could you do this to me?
I was going to call you my dad.

I really was sick both of those mornings
But still you made me eat.
I know you needed to be in control
But why did you have to hit me?

And I know I was weak
For crying that one afternoon,
But I was still just a kid-
I know it's a stupid excuse.

I learned to build a wall that
Drowned the yelling and denied the pain
I know I'm such a coward,
I know I'm the one to blame.

I never wanted to hurt your relationship
Even when I asked mom to take my side
I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up,
Don't worry, she got me to lie.

I can't let anyone touch me,
No matter how much I want to reach out.
Their hands could become your hands, 
Besides, I can never keep them around.

I always knew you'd get in my head.
You laid landmines and bombs in my mind.
And as the months and years progress 
Each one of them detonates with time.

Sometimes I go back and relive
The memories I had under that roof
But now I can't remember too much..
Were you a bad dream? Give me proof.