A look into Panic disorder and Social Phobia.
Step-by-step close up of my feelings and thoughts of Going to the store.
Im opening the front door. Im feeling great!
Im walking down the stairs, and i see nobody in sight Im feeling really great!
One step in front of the other one step one step in front of the other
Im feeling alright not great but alright.
Im at the bottom. Breathe Just breathe.
One step infront of the other I take one step infront of the other.
People are laughing, but i cant see anyone around me
panic floods my veins draining into my bloodstream making me hot
Sweaty. Just breathe. Laughing. Breathe damn it! laughing.
They must be laughing at me something is terribly wrong with me
And i cant find the air to breathe for the life of me!
Momma follows behind me Smiles and says She is so proud to have me outside
with her today. I smile back.
Kids run infront of me and i try to pretend they dont exist
but they giggle and i pray to god they dont look this way.
God please dont let them look this way.
Im at the car, i made it this far.
You cant turn around now youve done so good i try to say in my head.
My mom mentions how she is so proud to have me outside again
I smile and say i am too but im feeling petrified.
The anxiety cools down on the drive to the store,
I read the papers in the car to keep my head down
Were at the store now.
She unbuckles her seat and unlatches the door.
Wait! i say. Im not ready yet. I check my hair in the mirror
take a good look at my face and try to find something good in it
I ask if my hair looks okay, As always, She replies.
I step out of the car take a nice deep breath and hold it tight in my lungs
I look at my self again in the window, My clothes, are they perfect?
My hair, is it fine? I ask her And she nods and tells me yes.
We finally get to the door and i grab the cart first.
Something to grab on to or keep my mind occupied always helps.
She tells me shes proud of me once again, And im feeling pretty proud too.
I notice many people around me, and im feeling a little shaky but i notice
none of them are looking at me and i find some relief. This isnt so bad i think.
ive walked past at least 10 people already but then somebody looks at me..
The panic floods in again And my face beats the deepest of reds
I look down. No wait! Look up. Youll look mentally ill walking staring at the floor.
But wait...i am mentally ill..Doesnt matter. Dont show it. Look up for gods sake.
I look up, more people, they look at me And i realize my face is burning hotter than the sun
I must look like im in pain this is why they are staring. Now they notice my ugly clothes.
Ugly face ugly hair. Are you a girl, a boy? i bet they think. Whats wrong with that person?
I bet someone else will think. Look down, up, down, UP What do i do??? I get behind some clothes
My mom asks me if im okay, i look at her but i hear somebody else talking somewhere else
I try to listen but she asks Are you okay? I look at her again And hear them again.
Im feeling izzy now very very dizzy now i close my eyes for a moment I nod my head
But she gets closer and puts her hand on my back. We can leave if you want, she asks.
And i want her to stop i dont want anyone to notice something is wrong with me.
Its so bad now, my face feels like its going to pop And i try to talk, try to tell her wait
Just wait just stop.
I cant talk, i cant talk!
My throat has defiantly closed up now
I cant talk if i wanted to i cant open my lips, my jaws, It feels like the heaviest of pressures.
It makes me more scared, And my eyes start to welt with tears but i close them because i dont want to cry.
I close them tight and my mom is getting worried but i cant move now
I cant look at her or speak to her
I can feel my mothers pain, and i think, Snap out of it you're hurting her, Stop hurting her.
So i breathe in, out, in, out. I push the air into my nose until it fills a bubble in my chest
I breathe out, try to let it all go. I finally turn around to look at her and there is a sadness in her eyes.
Im sorry i say. She asks if i want to leave and i nod, please.
I think about all the people i will have to face on the way out, i want to wait
maybe they will all disappear, just long enough to let me get past them but
i know its an unreasonable thought.
I know i must get it over with.
I take the cart with us and i manage to get to the doors in few long breaths.
Relief starts to cool my body as the doors get closer and closer
I leave the cart behind with all of our items in it.
I feel so ashamed, how could i let myself be like that?
I look at myself in the mirror and try to find something good in it.
Do i look okay i ask? As always she says.
Im opening the front door. Im feeling great!
Im walking down the stairs, and i see nobody in sight Im feeling really great!
One step in front of the other one step one step in front of the other
Im feeling alright not great but alright.
Im at the bottom. Breathe Just breathe.
One step infront of the other I take one step infront of the other.
People are laughing, but i cant see anyone around me
panic floods my veins draining into my bloodstream making me hot
Sweaty. Just breathe. Laughing. Breathe damn it! laughing.
They must be laughing at me something is terribly wrong with me
And i cant find the air to breathe for the life of me!
Momma follows behind me Smiles and says She is so proud to have me outside
with her today. I smile back.
Kids run infront of me and i try to pretend they dont exist
but they giggle and i pray to god they dont look this way.
God please dont let them look this way.
Im at the car, i made it this far.
You cant turn around now youve done so good i try to say in my head.
My mom mentions how she is so proud to have me outside again
I smile and say i am too but im feeling petrified.
The anxiety cools down on the drive to the store,
I read the papers in the car to keep my head down
Were at the store now.
She unbuckles her seat and unlatches the door.
Wait! i say. Im not ready yet. I check my hair in the mirror
take a good look at my face and try to find something good in it
I ask if my hair looks okay, As always, She replies.
I step out of the car take a nice deep breath and hold it tight in my lungs
I look at my self again in the window, My clothes, are they perfect?
My hair, is it fine? I ask her And she nods and tells me yes.
We finally get to the door and i grab the cart first.
Something to grab on to or keep my mind occupied always helps.
She tells me shes proud of me once again, And im feeling pretty proud too.
I notice many people around me, and im feeling a little shaky but i notice
none of them are looking at me and i find some relief. This isnt so bad i think.
ive walked past at least 10 people already but then somebody looks at me..
The panic floods in again And my face beats the deepest of reds
I look down. No wait! Look up. Youll look mentally ill walking staring at the floor.
But wait...i am mentally ill..Doesnt matter. Dont show it. Look up for gods sake.
I look up, more people, they look at me And i realize my face is burning hotter than the sun
I must look like im in pain this is why they are staring. Now they notice my ugly clothes.
Ugly face ugly hair. Are you a girl, a boy? i bet they think. Whats wrong with that person?
I bet someone else will think. Look down, up, down, UP What do i do??? I get behind some clothes
My mom asks me if im okay, i look at her but i hear somebody else talking somewhere else
I try to listen but she asks Are you okay? I look at her again And hear them again.
Im feeling izzy now very very dizzy now i close my eyes for a moment I nod my head
But she gets closer and puts her hand on my back. We can leave if you want, she asks.
And i want her to stop i dont want anyone to notice something is wrong with me.
Its so bad now, my face feels like its going to pop And i try to talk, try to tell her wait
Just wait just stop.
I cant talk, i cant talk!
My throat has defiantly closed up now
I cant talk if i wanted to i cant open my lips, my jaws, It feels like the heaviest of pressures.
It makes me more scared, And my eyes start to welt with tears but i close them because i dont want to cry.
I close them tight and my mom is getting worried but i cant move now
I cant look at her or speak to her
I can feel my mothers pain, and i think, Snap out of it you're hurting her, Stop hurting her.
So i breathe in, out, in, out. I push the air into my nose until it fills a bubble in my chest
I breathe out, try to let it all go. I finally turn around to look at her and there is a sadness in her eyes.
Im sorry i say. She asks if i want to leave and i nod, please.
I think about all the people i will have to face on the way out, i want to wait
maybe they will all disappear, just long enough to let me get past them but
i know its an unreasonable thought.
I know i must get it over with.
I take the cart with us and i manage to get to the doors in few long breaths.
Relief starts to cool my body as the doors get closer and closer
I leave the cart behind with all of our items in it.
I feel so ashamed, how could i let myself be like that?
I look at myself in the mirror and try to find something good in it.
Do i look okay i ask? As always she says.