Crying

When I go to sleep at night
My thoughts drift and pull at my consciousness,
My thoughts often pull my eyelids down and send me off to a gentle plane of darkness,
Or even a dream where nothing happens

But there are times
Where that doesn't happen
And I wake up, choking on air
And under a thin layer of cold sweat

Where the nights are restless and the covers too hot
Where the day is too hard to push through and the loneliness too hard to handle
Where the tears cannot be stopped and the heart ache too much to hide
Where the music isn't enough and the corner too small to hide in

Hopelessness is the only way to say how I feel during those times
It swallows me whole, day and night
And spits me back out worse than before
I want to say I'm okay, that I'm strong enough, that I will get strong enough

But when?
And how?
They say that you're not Atlas
That you're not allowed to try and hold it all

But it's so deep in my heart and aches
It's hidden and hurting me so much
People tell me that I should let go, change my perspective
But how? How do I let go? How do I change perspective for more than a hour?

How do I do this without sobbing,
Without feeling the ache of walking too long
Without feeling in general?
Where is my peace?

Where is my peace?
Where is my reward for trying so hard?
Where is my normality?
How do I tell you this without crying, or sounding like I'm something that I'm not?

But I don't and I won't
So I'll continue to wake up like those past times,
Covered in cold sweat, choking on air
And crying, wishing I had the strength to move on.