The Last Year of My Life

"Come downstairs please."
Walking
Yelling
What on earth could they need me for?
"I'm sorry but he's gone, he won't come home anymore."
Shock
Barely thinking
No this can't be true
Crying
Then I'm screaming
Oh please don't make this true.
Casket
Now he's ashes
Oh I want him back
lots of "Dear I'm so very sorry, your father was a good man."
Smiling
While I'm crying.
It's a blurry mess of form.
Pretending
now we're sitting
and I hear the canons go off
I see them hand the flag to us before he opens up his mouth
"The president would like to thank your father for his service."
I try so very hard not to cry even more
He's lying
I know this
the President couldn't care
he never knew him
not like I did
He was my father
now he's gone.
Sitting
Oh it's over?
I didn't hear a word.
Daddy I'm so sorry please just come home.
Driving
lots of family
they all pretend to care
sitting in an empty room
I try to stay strong
soon life starts up again
at least for all of them
I'm still stuck in that awful moment
trying to realize he's really dead
School days
then I'm moving
It's time for a scenery change
Meeting
trying poorly
just to make a better grade
Oh who is he?
He helps the pain to fade
best friends
I can trust him
he knows what made me change
He promises he loves me
won't make me do what I don't want
Kissing
just like lighting
but straight through my heart
Months
I'm feeling better
he makes me forget
one night
all it took
to make me wish for death
Concrete
where I'm laying
Crying once again
pain as he's tearing
tearing at my skin
telling me I'm worthless
as he's shoving himself in
so much pain
what happened here?
He was supposed to be my prince.
"Don't tell anyone, it won't be so bad next time."
Nodding
I'm still crying
he tells me to dry my tears.
Hiding
no more crying
only fearful glances here.
I'm trying Daddy, I'm trying, to be strong like you were.
He's told everyone and now they all know.
But they think that I wanted it.
Oh it's just not so.
Months
Oh they're passing
and my skin its so marked up
Words and random slices
things I know about myself
Now because he showed me I know what I really am.
worthless
fat
ugly
a common whore
My heart it's never mending.
There's no hope not anymore.
We are a year older
but he'll never let me forget
that he's the only one who will want me
I know this in my head
I tried
tried to end it.
It didn't work out so well
they found me
supposedly saved me
saved me from myself
but I didn't ask to be saved
there's a reason I tried to die
I'm just so sick and tired of him
I want to see my daddy
feel him hold me as I cry.