Redemption of My Loss

I'm sorry I ever touched you and meant it
I'm sorry for loving every inch of you with all my heart
I'm sorry my heart was too small and my head too big for love
I'm too wrapped up in my fantasy situations
I'm having dreams of coloring the world black and white
In remembrance for what I once felt in the dimmest hours of the darkest days
sitting in a porcelain bathtub in a country far from home
I'm under the pulsating shower and my eye sockets fill the holes of my kneecaps
the water falling is indespherible from tears
In remembrance of the long nights under cloudy skies drinking champagne with strangers
pretending I felt nothing in hopes alcohol could hide the sorrows of yesterday
In my melancholy shots after shots after shots before the unmistakable love came creeping toward me once again
I'm talking about you in my sleep again and my heart feels warm almost-human
The color is returning to my skin as I bask in the warmth of my newborn sun
I thought moments of numbness were only a calm before the storm
I crumble at the sight of you
My head fills with thoughts
My knees become weak and I'm lightheaded
I'm 14 and just smoked a cigarette for the first time
I'm untouched and unloved but
There's a glint in my eye that doesn't symbolize hope
it symbolizes redemption in the face of defeat
I'm clutching my chest and searching for something missing.
and that something missing is still with you.