Back and Forth

I am not strong enough
to pull the blade away from my skin-
but I’m also not strong enough
to press down into my flesh.

I am not strong enough
to steer away from climbing upon the ledge-
but I’m also not strong enough
to plunge off the edge.

I am not strong enough
to take the pills only one day at a time-
but I am also not strong enough
to swallow the whole handful.

I’ve cried wolf a thousand times
My finger remains on the trigger
With the gun pointed to my head
But I have not the courage to just pull down.

I am not strong enough
to keep on living my life.
But, I am also not strong enough
to tear myself out of it.