Oh the Days

If I could, I would take it all back.

I would return to the days of sighing
as your name appeared on my computer screen.
A sigh of heart ache.

I would return to the days of secrecy
Watching you from afar,
Writing the tales of a princess whose prince had finally found her.

I would return to the days when naivety was common
We were both empty-headed
But not empty hearted.

I would return to the days when your hatred burned as much as my love
When I thought I knew what “love” meant
I had conceived my own false definition.

I would return to the days of hoping
and dreaming,
wanting what I have now.

I would give up what I have now.

I would throw away the long nights I stayed up
pouring confidence into your brain

I would throw away the words, ripped from your book
of “ways to fool her”,
that were pasted into my book
of “reasons why I want to live”

I would throw away the tears and the scars,
slashing into myself
because I wasn’t enough.

I would throw away the jokes,
the stories, the dreams and the wishes
Those stupid songs you wrote
that messed with my mind more than any word you said.

I wanted what I have, but now I loathe
how I was stupid.
I would take it all back,
the goods and the bads,
all the feelings
and all the memories.
It wasn’t worth the trip to hell and back.