Superficial
When somebody breaks your heart, it’s never easy. It always leaves some kind of mark. But this, this is different. This wasn't superficial. This was real. How can you fix what you've done? You come back. You realize what you've done wrong and you fix it. I’m not saying this to be selfish. I’m not saying this because I can’t bear the thought of you being with somebody else. I’m saying this because… what we had was something spectacular, something so wonderful, but it’s dying before it even had a chance to grow. But for what reason? Money? Time? Fear? Fear of what love is truly capable? Fear of finding somebody who actually gives a damn? Fear of commitment? Who knows. I sure don’t. And I don’t think you do either.
What we had in those short months is something a lot of people don’t get to feel. It was true and real. It was genuine love. It wasn't sex. It wasn't a hook up. It wasn’t just having someone to pass the time with when you’ve run out of things to do. It was much better. It was beauty. It was rhythm and harmony and melody. It was hard and it was easy. It was up and it was down. It was something I would have given up my life for. It was something that brought a smile to my face every day even when the rest of the world was crashing down around me.
And to think, it didn’t even have the time to grow. It hadn’t had a chance to show the world what it was made of. That it was beautiful, but strong .It was a fighter and it was powerful. And it was so beautiful. It was like the chill you get when you step outside during the summer. You see the waves crashing on the shore, the mist brushing the side of your face, the sun on the horizon. It was words that are so… indescribably by even the most talented of writers.
This was the dream of a five year old girl, so young and innocent. This was the dream of a five year old girl whose father threw her against the wall. This was the dream of a five year old girl who watched her father walk away and never come back. This was the dream of a girl who has wanted nothing but to love and be loved. This was the dream of a girl who never wanted to face the pain of watching a loved one walk away again.
Maybe it’ll have a chance again someday. Maybe this is it. Maybe this little bud of hope was too much, maybe it wasn’t enough. But regardless, it’ll always be there. It’ll be there fighting and wishing it could have shown the world what it was really meant to do.
I do understand how you feel. I do know what it’s like to want you beside me when I need you the most. I get it. But, there is something I’ve learned over the years. Sometimes it’s not all about being beside each other all the time. It’s about knowing that that person is in your heart, and sometimes that’s even better than having that person beside you. Sometimes it’s better to feel that person well up inside of you, filling every inch of you, wrapping you in warmth that no other physical body can do.
Yes, it’s extremely comforting to have a shoulder to cry on, a waist to wrap your arms around, a face to kiss. But what is that when that person isn’t in your heart or in your soul? It’s superficial, a momentary fix. That’s not what solves problems.
Now, when you have that person in your heart and soul, it’s glorious. It’s better than a lot of things. But. When, at the end of the day, you have to settle down, and that person can’t be next to you, that is when you let your heart bring you the closest thing you have to that physical form. And that’s what keeps you holding on. Until you can once again be united with the one that fills your insides with happiness and warmth and hope.
I know where you’re coming from. However, you yourself said that all the time waiting will be worth it when we see each other again. But what we’re doing isn’t waiting. It’s suffering, and hurting, and bleeding, and crying. And you wanna know why I think that? Because you and I…we’re soul deep. It’s not superficial. It’s not a fling. It’s not a casual fuck. It’s none of that. I know it. And somewhere inside, you know it too, which is why it’s so hard for you to leave. For once in my life, you made me feel perfect. Finally perfect enough for somebody.
Isn’t all of this enough?
What we had in those short months is something a lot of people don’t get to feel. It was true and real. It was genuine love. It wasn't sex. It wasn't a hook up. It wasn’t just having someone to pass the time with when you’ve run out of things to do. It was much better. It was beauty. It was rhythm and harmony and melody. It was hard and it was easy. It was up and it was down. It was something I would have given up my life for. It was something that brought a smile to my face every day even when the rest of the world was crashing down around me.
And to think, it didn’t even have the time to grow. It hadn’t had a chance to show the world what it was made of. That it was beautiful, but strong .It was a fighter and it was powerful. And it was so beautiful. It was like the chill you get when you step outside during the summer. You see the waves crashing on the shore, the mist brushing the side of your face, the sun on the horizon. It was words that are so… indescribably by even the most talented of writers.
This was the dream of a five year old girl, so young and innocent. This was the dream of a five year old girl whose father threw her against the wall. This was the dream of a five year old girl who watched her father walk away and never come back. This was the dream of a girl who has wanted nothing but to love and be loved. This was the dream of a girl who never wanted to face the pain of watching a loved one walk away again.
Maybe it’ll have a chance again someday. Maybe this is it. Maybe this little bud of hope was too much, maybe it wasn’t enough. But regardless, it’ll always be there. It’ll be there fighting and wishing it could have shown the world what it was really meant to do.
I do understand how you feel. I do know what it’s like to want you beside me when I need you the most. I get it. But, there is something I’ve learned over the years. Sometimes it’s not all about being beside each other all the time. It’s about knowing that that person is in your heart, and sometimes that’s even better than having that person beside you. Sometimes it’s better to feel that person well up inside of you, filling every inch of you, wrapping you in warmth that no other physical body can do.
Yes, it’s extremely comforting to have a shoulder to cry on, a waist to wrap your arms around, a face to kiss. But what is that when that person isn’t in your heart or in your soul? It’s superficial, a momentary fix. That’s not what solves problems.
Now, when you have that person in your heart and soul, it’s glorious. It’s better than a lot of things. But. When, at the end of the day, you have to settle down, and that person can’t be next to you, that is when you let your heart bring you the closest thing you have to that physical form. And that’s what keeps you holding on. Until you can once again be united with the one that fills your insides with happiness and warmth and hope.
I know where you’re coming from. However, you yourself said that all the time waiting will be worth it when we see each other again. But what we’re doing isn’t waiting. It’s suffering, and hurting, and bleeding, and crying. And you wanna know why I think that? Because you and I…we’re soul deep. It’s not superficial. It’s not a fling. It’s not a casual fuck. It’s none of that. I know it. And somewhere inside, you know it too, which is why it’s so hard for you to leave. For once in my life, you made me feel perfect. Finally perfect enough for somebody.
Isn’t all of this enough?