11:26
still, there are some nights
where i cry myself to sleep
still, there are some nights
where i wonder
if i am too broken
to ever be loved
still, there are some nights
when i thank my friend
for taking away all my razors
because nights like these
i want to install a zipper
onto my veins
so that i can open them
whenever i want
the first boy
who told me he loved me
was my "boyfriend" in fifth grade
we had no idea what love was
we just thought that
if someone liked you
and you liked them
that was love
i told him i loved him
because i thought
that's what people were
supposed to say
the second boy
to tell me he loved me
took it back when i left
he says i was just a replacement
for his ex
he called me broken
when i left
when i messaged him
a few weeks later
he says still, i am one of the
few women who
he considers beautiful
but what if i do not want to be beautiful?
what if i just wanted someone
to see me for what i am
and love me anyway?
i grew up being taught
that if you love someone
you give them your body
i grew up being taught
that if you give up
everything to someone
they will love you
i tell my friend of 3 years
that i love him as a friend
it breaks my heart each time he doesn't
say it back
in the silence after each "i love you"
my anxiety tries to tell me
that he does not care about me
at all
he tells me that
he cannot love me
i wonder what makes me so unloveable
but i decided that it is never
selfish
to decide that you deserve more
it is never selfish to finally realize
that you are worth loving
it is never selfish to tell yourself
that you should only give love
to people who love you
i must remind myself
that only people who i accept fully
will accept me fully
it's okay if none of those boys
have loved me for all that i am
because i haven't loved all of them
either
you get what you give
the next time i love a boy
i will let my love hug the skin that
holds him together
i will let him swallow my words
and let my words explore
the stories and flaws he has
kept hidden in his stomach
i will let my poems travel
through his bloodstream
and remind each cell and organ
that you don't need to be whole
to be loved
the next time you love someone
remember that we are all broken
we don't need to be reminded
how shattered we are
remember
that you are allowed to love
and you deserve to be loved
even if it's not now
you will be
just because one person
can't love you
doesn't mean no one else will
where i cry myself to sleep
still, there are some nights
where i wonder
if i am too broken
to ever be loved
still, there are some nights
when i thank my friend
for taking away all my razors
because nights like these
i want to install a zipper
onto my veins
so that i can open them
whenever i want
the first boy
who told me he loved me
was my "boyfriend" in fifth grade
we had no idea what love was
we just thought that
if someone liked you
and you liked them
that was love
i told him i loved him
because i thought
that's what people were
supposed to say
the second boy
to tell me he loved me
took it back when i left
he says i was just a replacement
for his ex
he called me broken
when i left
when i messaged him
a few weeks later
he says still, i am one of the
few women who
he considers beautiful
but what if i do not want to be beautiful?
what if i just wanted someone
to see me for what i am
and love me anyway?
i grew up being taught
that if you love someone
you give them your body
i grew up being taught
that if you give up
everything to someone
they will love you
i tell my friend of 3 years
that i love him as a friend
it breaks my heart each time he doesn't
say it back
in the silence after each "i love you"
my anxiety tries to tell me
that he does not care about me
at all
he tells me that
he cannot love me
i wonder what makes me so unloveable
but i decided that it is never
selfish
to decide that you deserve more
it is never selfish to finally realize
that you are worth loving
it is never selfish to tell yourself
that you should only give love
to people who love you
i must remind myself
that only people who i accept fully
will accept me fully
it's okay if none of those boys
have loved me for all that i am
because i haven't loved all of them
either
you get what you give
the next time i love a boy
i will let my love hug the skin that
holds him together
i will let him swallow my words
and let my words explore
the stories and flaws he has
kept hidden in his stomach
i will let my poems travel
through his bloodstream
and remind each cell and organ
that you don't need to be whole
to be loved
the next time you love someone
remember that we are all broken
we don't need to be reminded
how shattered we are
remember
that you are allowed to love
and you deserve to be loved
even if it's not now
you will be
just because one person
can't love you
doesn't mean no one else will