Just Once

Sometimes, I feel like I'm close to breaking.
It's like my blood is boiling and my mind is melting.
It's like things are clawing inside my skin, trying to tear through.
It's as if my insides are being crushed and I can no longer breathe.
It's like bursts of electricity through my limbs with no outlet.
It's like my body is robbed of its heat.
I constantly feel like I'm about to burst
but I never do.

Sometimes, I want to let out the screams that bubble up my throat.
I want to cry and shed the tears that I choke back.
I want to rip myself apart and let the blood flow.
I want to give into the silence that beckons me.
But mostly, I want for someone to tell me that everything is gonna be okay.

Sometimes, all I wish for is to feel happiness.
All I want is happiness.
Just once, just once.
Just once.

Most of the time, all I really get is a hollow chest that keeps my darkness at bay.
I get eyes that silence all the pain my soul keeps.
I get lips that don't quiver when I want to weep.
I get a smile that hides the sad away.
I get a face that says I'm okay.

But I have ended my life, killed myself, at least a thousand times.