Silent Goodbyes

I wrote you a poem but that boy in my class I was telling you about laughed at me and said the dead can’t hear shit.
I cringed because I just realize you were the only person to never see my work, dad too but I didn’t really care about him.

I read it at your funeral.
My voice was shaky but I didn’t cry, I still haven’t cried yet
I keep waiting for the tears to come but they never do.

I thought about buying flowers - sunflowers
I thought if I brought enough I could make them reach heaven so you could smell them, but mom said you were getting cremated, sat aflame, and put into an urn.
So I wrote a poem instead.
I read it at your funeral voice shaking and sad.

It hurts.

I can’t stop thinking about you, but I won’t cry you showed me how to be strong
I pray every night asking God to tell you how much I love and miss you.
I feel sad sometime because I can’t remember your face clearly
I can’t remember your voice, or the way you looked when you smiled.
I hugged mom today and felt miserable because I couldn't remember what it felt like to hug you.

I get scared sometime thinking that you’re looking down at me from heaven disappointed in what you see.
I get sad lost in my own grieve missing you.
What color where your eyes?
It hurts to not remember.

I ask God every night before I go to sleep to tell you I love you.

It hurts.

I wrote you a poem but then I remembered the dead can’t hear shit.