Mediocre

It always leaves me with that one question
can't seem to shake the feeling
that I might know the answer.

Is there a superior form of addiction?

You add the math up
and none of it makes sense in your brain
because people have it much worse than you
all those nights crying on the bathroom floor
must have meant nothing.

Here are people who have puked into toilets
in crowded rooms filled with powdered smoke
pipes and needles and any pill that they could get their hands on
and they've lost it
even the light in their eyes
and you wonder if you will ever be like them
or if you already are.

But they can't add up the math for you
you're not even on the scale
there's no problem for you, no problem with you
because nobody could ever understand
why you needed stitches that one night
that it was so bad you couldn't breathe
even if your lungs were bursting
and your blood was pumping so fast you couldn't be more alive.

Or why you would choose to be bent over a toilet
one, two, three, four, sometimes five times a day
it just doesn't make sense to them
that's not the way to go
there's no fun in that
they're one step ahead of you
in this game of self destruction
& you don't know if you want in or out of this game.

To them you are mediocre
even when you are trying your hardest
but what you don't understand
is that they're not competing with anybody anymore
the only person beating them is themselves
bruised and cigarette stained and brain dead
and you didn't even try.