Why Bother

So lost and hopeless.
Each day it's harder and harder to get up.
My health worsens continually.
My anger grows with it.
Why am I still doing this?
I'm so angry and so bitter.
I just want things to change.
I don't believe they will but I hope.
I hope only because I don't want to end up like last time.
If I pretend then it gives me enough to keep going.
I'm not happy, but that's ok. I don't need to be happy.
I just don't want to be miserable anymore.
I want to go. My family keeps me here though.
After losing my brother I saw how hurt they were/are.
Some days I'm jealous of him. Jealous he left this place.
What a wreck I made my life.
Years later and I struggle to repair the damage.
What do they expect me to do with this disaster?