Dear Diary
This one will be called Dear Diary.
Not only because every girl has a diary or a way of putting their emotions down, but because I now fit in that category. My emotions are rampant. I have felt a little of nearly every emotion today, but after each one it just goes back the way it was. Anger, sadness, guilt. But it's not just what's in my head that causes this, it's my action and actions of others that make it worse. There are just some things that make things worse for me. And as of this moment, it's people. People are manipulative, disgusting and downright rude. Not only to face value, but right down to their very core. The way people act and exist is dependant on how they see elders do it. Our generation seems the worst due solely to our parents. Everyone now has a fucked up family, or has a dirty secret that if known, will ruin someone. I fit in the fucked up category. What's did that do to me? It made me a better person. Most people use it as bait, to lure people in and use it to their advantage. I learnt from it. All the built up hatred from what happened to me has all but dissipated. But others get constantly pity points about their problems and refuse to deal with it. And they live life in easy street. Everything is done for them as some sort of consolation prize. I don't want this way, it will ruin who I am. But others currently are already ruining me. I don't care for people as of right now, other than Sam and my family (ironic, isn't it? Even though they are drifting away as it is.) because they've done nothing but hurt me, set me back and in all being a negative force in my existence. And I'll I want to do sometimes is cry. But I'm dried up of crying. I've done enough for my lifetime. I couldn't even fake crocodile tears if I wanted to. I could think of everything that makes me sad and cuts me deep, but I know I'm not going to cry because I've set up that resistance against it. I don't want anyone to see that they've gotten to me. And all I've done the last few days is try to hold strong. I can't speak, I can't breathe, I can't exist without the risk of judgement, yet it's been more apparent over the last few days than any. Why? Because I'm upset. That's the truth. The underlying connotation of how people ask what's wrong always gets me. When people want to genuinely know how I feel, I will speak. But being in fear of being reprimanded and getting in consequence because of how I feel holds my tongue with a knife at it's weakest point. So I hide behind my own eyes, afraid to be me. And not only afraid, but unwilling to be me until I'm sorted out.
Tears of sadness may be dry,
Though I would not dare cry.
I sit here in silent agony
Set aside this pain, let me be free
Not only because every girl has a diary or a way of putting their emotions down, but because I now fit in that category. My emotions are rampant. I have felt a little of nearly every emotion today, but after each one it just goes back the way it was. Anger, sadness, guilt. But it's not just what's in my head that causes this, it's my action and actions of others that make it worse. There are just some things that make things worse for me. And as of this moment, it's people. People are manipulative, disgusting and downright rude. Not only to face value, but right down to their very core. The way people act and exist is dependant on how they see elders do it. Our generation seems the worst due solely to our parents. Everyone now has a fucked up family, or has a dirty secret that if known, will ruin someone. I fit in the fucked up category. What's did that do to me? It made me a better person. Most people use it as bait, to lure people in and use it to their advantage. I learnt from it. All the built up hatred from what happened to me has all but dissipated. But others get constantly pity points about their problems and refuse to deal with it. And they live life in easy street. Everything is done for them as some sort of consolation prize. I don't want this way, it will ruin who I am. But others currently are already ruining me. I don't care for people as of right now, other than Sam and my family (ironic, isn't it? Even though they are drifting away as it is.) because they've done nothing but hurt me, set me back and in all being a negative force in my existence. And I'll I want to do sometimes is cry. But I'm dried up of crying. I've done enough for my lifetime. I couldn't even fake crocodile tears if I wanted to. I could think of everything that makes me sad and cuts me deep, but I know I'm not going to cry because I've set up that resistance against it. I don't want anyone to see that they've gotten to me. And all I've done the last few days is try to hold strong. I can't speak, I can't breathe, I can't exist without the risk of judgement, yet it's been more apparent over the last few days than any. Why? Because I'm upset. That's the truth. The underlying connotation of how people ask what's wrong always gets me. When people want to genuinely know how I feel, I will speak. But being in fear of being reprimanded and getting in consequence because of how I feel holds my tongue with a knife at it's weakest point. So I hide behind my own eyes, afraid to be me. And not only afraid, but unwilling to be me until I'm sorted out.
Tears of sadness may be dry,
Though I would not dare cry.
I sit here in silent agony
Set aside this pain, let me be free
♠ ♠ ♠
A poem written a while ago, where everyone had to be their worst to me and expect me to stay consistent