Decisions

My silence is deafening.
Silent cries and years
I've been so cold.
Those tears frozen over
Blood splat.
Sick mind, the juices of my brain being regurgitated through and through.
No bleach to clean the mess,
The chemical flush of my mind, the permanent cure
Erasing my identity, my only redeeming quality.
Decisions are not defining
Judging my own actions is the disease
I run my own plague.
What does it help to decide my own fate.
Seal the meaning of life.
I only offer one viewpoint.
An open one if that, but never enough.
The engine behind these decisions, the personal judgements.
But the accepting nature.
The inside battles I fight to gain understanding.
Who am I trying to comprehend?
We're it so easy, I'd have of all figured out.
No 72 answers to every question.
Over thinking and under predicting,
Busy in my escapade of self absolution.
But merely in myself;
The eyes of others have always been the prize.
And these decisions reflect mental adventures,
Going out of the correct thoroughfare
Polishing every move and word.
I speak my mind on my own;
Speak prepared speeches to others.
If I try to let out who I am
What will I become.
If I keep myself concealed behind invisible walls
What will I stay?