Mirror

I see sadness.
Pointless grief.
Over childhood lost too soon.
Over being beaten.
Abused, hated, used, despised.
The one hating, yelling, screaming.
Inside.

I see regret
for things I've done.
Such stupid things I'll never be able to fix.
For mistakes.
For what goes on in my head.
For living through the day.
For wishing I were dead.

I see fear
of being lost, left behind.
Forgotten.
Of the dark and of monsters under beds.
Of failing no matter how hard I try.
Not matter how many times my sheets are soaked
from all the times I've cried.

I see hatred.
Of myself. Everything about me.
My hair and my eyes.
My lips and stomach.
My feet and thighs.
Everything about....her.
I'm never satisfied.

I see flaws.
And the scars don't seem to help.
They aren't blinding me from my reflection.
Blinding me from myself.
Even as I cut the sores deeper
and the pain distracts me but a while.
My eyes and thoughts fall upon a human form so vile.

I've tried to turn back
and unravel the past.
To repent and be a good girl.
And still, it never lasts.
I'm already lost.
Off The Road. Off the course.
I've long stopped my screaming.
My voice became hoarse.

I see all of these things.
Both the good
and the bad.
I see a happy person too,
but mostly just broken and strange.
I see all of these things...
But I'll never see change.

~CI