My Thoughts

I've always wondered what people thought when they heard that I still actively use my imagination. That I still creat imaginary friends as a way to cope with my own self-inflicted isolation. I may not have been openly wondering what they thought, but in the back of my mind I always wanted to know what people thought of me. Of corse I have friends, and I have my family, but regrettably I report that I'm loneliest when I'm around them. There are some that this report can be called a complete lie, I have friends who I love with all my heart and soul. If the need be I would gladly give my life to them. But it's rare when I get to see them and even more of an oddity when I feel this way around them. It's wonderful this feeling of joy when I do feel that way, my heart is light but moving slowly as if ready to stop, it's frightening really. The way my heart feels when I'm around people I care about that much, and the ability they have on me to feel that way. Though I do wonder what they too think of me, I'm a strange person even by my own standards and I wonder how they feel about my playful madness. I know that one day I will die, and I've made peace with the idea of it, but I don't want to die alone, and no I don't mean I want someone to die with me, I want someone to see me off so to say. When I die I want to be, no I wish to be around the people I love and care for, dying alone is honestly my greatest fear. Yes it's a silly thing to fear since being human it makes me a social creature and of coarse I enjoy being around people so I'm sure to have my wish come true. But I've made wishes in the past and many of them have been left to flutter away, so I am weary that this wish will also not come true. It's often a habit if mine where I put myself and often three or four very close friends of mine into a scenario where the future is unknown and often grim. Apocalyptic one might say, and in these scenarios we become closer together as friends even family bounded by war or suffering. I know these scenario can creat false feelings I may have for some of my friends but they do give me a reason to give my time to them, and though I'll doubt I'll ever see them do the things they do in my imagination, what they do for me here in reality is far grater then anything else they can do for me. Though it's hard for me to say with my voice and many of you will never see this I thank you all for taking a part of your lives to be my friend and I love you all dearly.