An Angry Poem

I want to start out with some facts
The truth of which cannot be changed
I’m sorry I’m not off book
I can’t make it I probably never will
The moment I get on stage
Memorization or not
In front of people like you
Sitting so patiently for something

Don’t hold your breath as I blank
It’s not a big deal
On particularly vulnerable days
In space out in front of friends and family
I blank I space I lose it
Not quite completely empty-headed though
There is still a ticking in my head
It’s not my lines in a play
Or this poem I wrote and memorized

All I can think is that
They know
They can tell
They can see
I’m not some paranoid stoner
Red eyes and tripping up here
I’m sober as stone and could use a toke
Still all I can think looking out at a crowd is that
They know
At this crowd
You know
You know all the things I don’t tell
You can tell what I’m hiding
You can see that I’m not whole

My mind will race
Though hundreds of scenarios
While I drive my self to panic
Like shifting of gears in a car
My mind clicks into and out of worse and worse thoughts
Though years of catholic school conditioning
This is all I can hear
- Damaged goods
- Slut

I’m broken up here and every one can tell
You will be judged, You will be scorned,
The bible tells me so, So I believed
How can I stand in front of everyone my voice ringing out?
When inside I can barely think let alone speak aloud
The sound of my own voice it terrifies me
What if something slips out?
From my throat, off my tongue, between these lips
What if Freud was on to something?
In this moment of weakness
A Freudian slip will let you all in on that big secret

I’m used up
I’m broken
I’m worthless
I’m not innocent
I’m not pure
I will be judged because
I’m sure as hell not virginal
I lost that with my free will when I was eleven

Can you see all that?
- Broken?
I don’t need to be fixed
Just by looking at me?
- Whore?
I didn’t ask for this.
Will that be all anyone can see?
- Tainted?
I am not damaged
Is that the judgment you make?
- Victim?
This will not define me

He broke nothing but my trust
My body and soul were not for the taking
I may have suffered then
I have hurt more since
Pain just like this
Being watched
Being looked at
Being judged
- What where you wearing?
I was eleven
- Did you make that up?
I wish I had
- Why didn’t you stop it?
I did.
Standing here I feel as naked as I was then
As bare as the first time I said the word
Raped
As vulnerable and scared when I said who
Him
As terrified and alone when no one cared
Why

I can see you watching
I can see you looking
I can see you judging
There is a difference now
A powerful one from the year I spent tortured
A greater one from the years I spent shamed
This act of vulnerability is my choice
This act of revealing is my choice
This act in front of you is my choice

I am in control I am in control
The mantra I will not give up
I will not give in
I will not be judged
I will not be deemed imperfect
I am unbroken
I am flawless
I am worthwhile
I am beautiful
I am innocent

I am not virginal but lets be honest, who gives a fuck
I am surviving