I Will Not End My Life

I will not end my life,
Not because I want to be alive,
But because I can’t be so selfish,
Not when others can’t help it…

Whether they live or die,
Whether they cry or scream,
How can I-
Wish for this to be my last dream?

When all around me is death,
And torture and disease and…
How can I think, “Oh, poor Beth”?
When I actually have a fair hand.

I can cut my skin,
Because it is mine to cut,
My mother may have brought me in-
To this life, but it’s my rut.

If this is my way of dealing,
Or my way of sealing demons,
Then why do I have to keep bleeding?
Better out than in, that’s my reason.

Better that I have scars on the outside,
Than thoughts clouding my head inside,
Better that I hide my so-called troubles,
So that other can throw their pebbles.

Into the blue ocean,
They can smile and laugh,
They won’t have me to stop them,
From taking their path.

I will not end my life,
But I can’t pretend to feel alive,
Not when I feel so dead,
I’m sorry if these tears I shed.

Or not worthy to be shed,
I’m sorry, but I can’t explain,
Why I long to stay in bed,
Why I call all of this “pain”.

I wish there could be an end,
To the suffering in this world,
And to the thoughts that’ll never mend,
What lives inside this broken girl.

But I may never know, why I feel so broken.