But Maybe I Do

I don't want to go back again,
But I just dragged the blade
Across my skin;
The fragile thing tore apart,
Breaking open,
Revealing the blood that courses
Through the dead body I inhabit.

I don't want to go back again,
But my tears fill rivers
And my pillowcase is wet with
Dreams that have turned into living nightmares;
The water flows more freely
Than I'll ever be.

I don't want to go back again,
But the dark hole is so tempting,
And no matter how much I deny it,
The blackness screams for my very soul;
It reaches out,
Touching me,
Pulling me in closer towards the pit of despair.

I don't want to go back again,
But maybe I do.
I welcome the unhappiness,
No longer knowing
How to be happy.
The sorrow is constant,
The tears steady,
The rope tied so that one day
When I'm ready to die,
I can tell myself I didn't want
Any of this,
By maybe somehow,
This escape is my last wish.

I don't want to go back again,
But maybe I do.