Beginning

Tonight, it's more than just the usual pain.
It should be getting easier, shouldn't it?
But instead, I find it even harder to breathe.
I claw at my chest as it closes in on my damaged heart.
As sobs rack my body, I gasp for the air
I so desperately need.
My hands search for something solid to grab on to,
And I wish for nothing more
Than for it to be your strong body that they find.
But that will never happen again.
No longer will I feel your arms around me,
Your hands running through my hair.
Now it's only my own fingers as I grasp at the tangled locks,
Tempted to rip out every strand by the roots
Because all I can hear is you telling me how beautiful it is,
How much you love it, how much you love me.
I avoid my reflection as I wash my face,
Knowing that seeing the broken shell of my once happy self
Will force the sobs to come even harder.
I think about everything I've lost.
No more laughter.
No more of your staring into my eyes as you say you love me.
No more happy dreams of days to come.
No more hope.
No more light.
Every lost thing rises from the pit of my stomach and into my throat,
And as it becomes too much to hold in and I heave,
Hunched over, my entire body quaking,
I pray with panting breaths
That as the only food I've eaten for days leaves my body,
So will all the pain and hurt.
But when I'm done and lying on the bathroom floor,
Heart pounding and tears streaming down my face,
It's still there,
And I realize that
This is only just the beginning.