Let's Talk

I say lets talk, but there never is any talking only one sided conversations. You never listen. You only talk over my cries for help.
"Why don't you get out of bed" he says, "you're just lazy" he says.
But you're not living in my head where my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness become my only company, and thoughts that plague my mind become like anchors making it impossible to even sit up.
My mind is not my sanctuary but a prison.
"You're just over dramatic" she says, "you're not even an adult yet what could you be going through" she says.
I doubt I'll make it past nineteen. My body is failing me and my mind is rotting away with every thought of taking my own life.
"If you really want to kill yourself then do it" he says, "I won't stop you" he says.
You say that as if you're testing to see if I'm afraid of death. I'm not. You can't be scared to die if you haven't lived.
"You're fake" she says, "you're nothing more than a whore who craves attention" she says.
I wish that was what it was, that all the nightmares that blur with my reality were just simple lies I made up in my head. I wish that the scares and bruises that litter my body where all something that I painted to make people feel bad for me. I wish I had that kind of control.
I came asking for your help because you said you loved me. Because you're my family.
But instead of just sitting down with me you throw money at my feet so that I keep my mouth shut.
Because you asked, I relive abuse that you later laugh off.
My cries for help are ignored while you say that it is so much harder for you because you have to put up with my abuse and self torture.
Please when I ask for your help don't ignore me or try to one up me. I just want your love. I don't want your money. I don't want more abuse. I just want a friend.