Now I Know

I thought you were amazing, something more than real.
That you even noticed me was more than I deserved.
I’ve always been a ghost, just a lurking shadow,
but then you saw me and made me feel so many
different things that I had never felt before.
You warned me about yourself—told me that you
didn’t want love or intimacy or attachment,
all that you wanted was physical pleasure.
For a moment I thought…I don’t know what I thought.
That I wouldn’t get attached? That I wouldn’t feel something?
I don’t love you. I’m not capable of that, or deserving.
But I cared.
I cared when I knew I was nothing but another girl you used.
Just a source, a tool to be used for your benefit.
Then I saw you kissing her.
I knew there were others, ones before and ones after.
But her, you talked about her to me like she was your sun.
And then I saw you kissing her, not five feet away from me.
So now I know, truly, that I am nothing to you.
And I cried, my broken and tattered heart broke a little more.
I took a sharp pain to my wrist, I didn’t want to feel.
I didn’t want to see you kissing her, it kept playing in my head.
Now I feel nothing except the sharp burn of my wrist.
And now I know that I am nothing, just a shadow of a ghost.
Now I know that you never saw me.
Now I know that you are a lie.
Now I know, just a little bit more that I shouldn’t trust.
So congratulations, you took a broken girl and made her worse.