The Final Goodbye
He slips farther and farther away each day
Losing himself and the man I've come to know all my life
Still, I haven't said it since before it all started
I can't bring myself to say it, to even think about it
Instead I continually delude myself:
"If I act like nothing is wrong, then it isn't,
If I don't accept it, then it won't become reality"
Stupid, isn't it?
Two decades and a half, and still
I'm no closer to being a mature adult
Than the day I was brought into this world
Everyone knows, I know:
He won't be with us for much longer
Still, I can't say it
The truth is I can't accept this cruel reality
A world, a simple daily life without him
Is something I cannot accept yet, if ever
I smile and laugh and keep everything to myself
While on the inside I scream and rage from sheer helplessness
I'm angry, and the ugliness hidden inside is beginning to show
More and more,
I beginning to lash out at people who don't deserve it
They're going through the same thing,
They don't deserve my childish revenge
They're just as helpless and frustrated and angry as I am
And yet, I still do it, it's an automatic reflex now
It's how I'm protecting myself from the truth
I'm not ready to tell him.
If say it, then I'm acknowledging reality
If I say it, I feel like everything will be final
No more life lines, no more tomorrows
It'll be "game over"
Before the end, will I be able to say it to him?
Surely he knows, right?
Even if I never really said it much,
Even if can't say it aloud now
He should still know...
I love you, daddy.
I know you can't help it
You have no choice in the matter
But please, please don't go
Don't leave us, don't leave me
Not yet, please not yet
It's too soon
There's just so much you haven't seen
Haven't done, haven't experienced with me yet
You haven't met your future son-in-law
You haven't walked me down the aisle
You haven't met your grandchildren
Because, I haven't done any of these things yet either
Please don't go; it's too soon for your life to be over.
I'm not, nor will I ever be, ready to tell you "goodbye".
Losing himself and the man I've come to know all my life
Still, I haven't said it since before it all started
I can't bring myself to say it, to even think about it
Instead I continually delude myself:
"If I act like nothing is wrong, then it isn't,
If I don't accept it, then it won't become reality"
Stupid, isn't it?
Two decades and a half, and still
I'm no closer to being a mature adult
Than the day I was brought into this world
Everyone knows, I know:
He won't be with us for much longer
Still, I can't say it
The truth is I can't accept this cruel reality
A world, a simple daily life without him
Is something I cannot accept yet, if ever
I smile and laugh and keep everything to myself
While on the inside I scream and rage from sheer helplessness
I'm angry, and the ugliness hidden inside is beginning to show
More and more,
I beginning to lash out at people who don't deserve it
They're going through the same thing,
They don't deserve my childish revenge
They're just as helpless and frustrated and angry as I am
And yet, I still do it, it's an automatic reflex now
It's how I'm protecting myself from the truth
I'm not ready to tell him.
If say it, then I'm acknowledging reality
If I say it, I feel like everything will be final
No more life lines, no more tomorrows
It'll be "game over"
Before the end, will I be able to say it to him?
Surely he knows, right?
Even if I never really said it much,
Even if can't say it aloud now
He should still know...
I love you, daddy.
I know you can't help it
You have no choice in the matter
But please, please don't go
Don't leave us, don't leave me
Not yet, please not yet
It's too soon
There's just so much you haven't seen
Haven't done, haven't experienced with me yet
You haven't met your future son-in-law
You haven't walked me down the aisle
You haven't met your grandchildren
Because, I haven't done any of these things yet either
Please don't go; it's too soon for your life to be over.
I'm not, nor will I ever be, ready to tell you "goodbye".
♠ ♠ ♠
This isn't poetry. It's not meant to be poetry. I'm not posting this because I'm "looking for sympathy" or anything ridiculous like that. This is the expression of my true feelings on a very sensitive life matter. These are personal things I cannot say aloud because they would tear me apart. So please be considerate and respectful if you read this and decide to comment.