I Forgot to Remember
Age 6.
I love you, Dad. You're my best friend. You make me laugh.
7.
Mummy told me you went away and you aren't coming back. Did I do something wrong? I didn't mean it when I said I hated you. Please don't go. I'll miss you.
8.
A girl at my new school told me her parents are divorced and she lives with her Mum now. I dpn't know what that is, but I told her I didn't have a Daddy either. I know you're out there, but it's easier if I tell people that.
9.
I know what divorced means. I asked Mum. She said something about hytroficcardopthay (?). I don;t know what that means but she said it's why you're gone. I think about you lots. And I miss you. But I know you didn't leave because of what I said and that's good, I guess.
10.
I saw a picture of you today. One from the wedding. You looked...different. I think it was your eyes. I guess maybe I'm starting to forget what you looked like...but it was probably just the light, you know? I'll look at the picture more often now.
11.
A girl at school asked about you. I just laughed and told her you died. I know it was mean, but it's just easier than having to explain.
12, 13, 14.
15.
Hey, Dad. I know we haven't spoken in a while. I've just been really busy, you know? I wanted to tell you I'm doing okay. How are you?
16.
So I realised today that it'll be nine years this Thursday. Nine years. You know, I don't even remember what your voice sounds like anymore? I've spent so long trying to forget the pain of losing you that I lost all of the good stuff as well. I love you, Dad. I miss you. At least the parts I held on to. Your smile, your smell, that stupid straw hat you wore everywhere. I know it's not enough. I'm trying to remember. But I think it might be too late. Please don't be upset. I may not remember why I loved you, but I know that I did. And I don't love people for no reason.
So, I'm sorry, I guess. I should never have let go.
I just hope that you held on. For the both of us.
I love you, Dad. You're my best friend. You make me laugh.
7.
Mummy told me you went away and you aren't coming back. Did I do something wrong? I didn't mean it when I said I hated you. Please don't go. I'll miss you.
8.
A girl at my new school told me her parents are divorced and she lives with her Mum now. I dpn't know what that is, but I told her I didn't have a Daddy either. I know you're out there, but it's easier if I tell people that.
9.
I know what divorced means. I asked Mum. She said something about hytroficcardopthay (?). I don;t know what that means but she said it's why you're gone. I think about you lots. And I miss you. But I know you didn't leave because of what I said and that's good, I guess.
10.
I saw a picture of you today. One from the wedding. You looked...different. I think it was your eyes. I guess maybe I'm starting to forget what you looked like...but it was probably just the light, you know? I'll look at the picture more often now.
11.
A girl at school asked about you. I just laughed and told her you died. I know it was mean, but it's just easier than having to explain.
12, 13, 14.
15.
Hey, Dad. I know we haven't spoken in a while. I've just been really busy, you know? I wanted to tell you I'm doing okay. How are you?
16.
So I realised today that it'll be nine years this Thursday. Nine years. You know, I don't even remember what your voice sounds like anymore? I've spent so long trying to forget the pain of losing you that I lost all of the good stuff as well. I love you, Dad. I miss you. At least the parts I held on to. Your smile, your smell, that stupid straw hat you wore everywhere. I know it's not enough. I'm trying to remember. But I think it might be too late. Please don't be upset. I may not remember why I loved you, but I know that I did. And I don't love people for no reason.
So, I'm sorry, I guess. I should never have let go.
I just hope that you held on. For the both of us.