The Most Honest Thing I've Ever Written

I think a lot about the distance between us and the things we shared- what we lost. Well, what you threw away. I think I forgot how to love when you left me- I think that flame burned out. Now he tells me he loves me and I don't feel anything. A girl turned robot types back "I love you too," hits send. But I don't think I could ever let myself mean it.

It's winter, but instead of on city streets, snow is falling inside me. There's a coldness in my heart, ice water in my veins that was never there before. Sometimes I wonder what happened- did you take all my warmth with you? Or did I lose it somewhere in the haze of too much to drink and not enough sleep? I used to be brave and bright. Once upon a time, I loved deeply, without fear. Without restraint. Now my hands shake and I spend too many nights trapped in my head. It's like something inside me just broke. As if something irreplaceable was lost.

I've tried to find it again- that spark. In the beds of boys who say my name like a promise, who fuck me like they hate me and leave bruises on my hips. In car backseats with girls who drive too fast and smoke too much. I haven't found it.

I drink whiskey like water now, when I used to hate the taste of alcohol. I just want to forget. I want to forget that you promised to love me and only me, but fucked other girls. I want to forget every time you said "I love you" and every time you sang me to sleep.

But I can't.
♠ ♠ ♠
This is a prose piece!